It Gets Better?

I love Seth, I love Seth, I love Seth. I have loved Seth since he was very young. I am not going to fool you that it was love at first sight or anything like that. Seth was a difficult baby, it took a while for him to warm up to me and for me to warm up to him if I am being honest. There were some fights that I am not proud of that happened when he was 4 or 5, where he and I would just yell at each other in the middle of the night because he wanted to sleep in bed with me and Adam and I wanted him to sleep in his own bed. It took a while but now I can honestly say that I couldn't love Seth more even if I had given birth to him. He is 100% my kid, he is Adam and Lilith's child, loves them both very much and they love him but I am firm believer that the more you divide love the more it multiples. Since I have been around since Seth was so young I am just a third parent in his life, after I had Lulu I realized that I did in fact love him the same as I loved her. With Lulu I had 9 months to adjust to her and then 3 hormone driven months where I fell madly in love with her. With Seth I didn't have that, our love grew over the last 10 years, it hasn't always been easy but it is true. 

So with saying that can I now admit that sometimes I don't like Seth right now? Remember I said he was a difficult toddler? I have this theory about teenagers and toddlers basically being the same mentally. They are learning that they are independent people, testing their boundaries, discovering themselves, growing at such fast rates, eating constantly and throwing fits when they don't get what they want. 

We have hit puberty with Seth and while it has just started, I can already see a few difficult years ahead of us. Sometimes he is still the sweet kid I adore and other times he is an overgrown version of his toddler self. Teenage boys are difficult. Thy are inconsiderate, smelly, self absorbed, selfish, messy creatures that will attempt to eat you out of house and home. Their immature sense of humor is all that keeps me from waging war on them as a species. 

Not that preteen/teen girls are better, it's just that I was a teenage girl so I understand what's going on in their brains whereas I have no clue about the inner workings of teenage boys. They strut around like peacocks and think they know it all. They are never wrong and it is always an excuse when something happens. 

It gets better right? I will survive the next 5 years until Seth turns 17 an regains some use of his brain right?

Sam

Refresher for everyone: Sam is/was Seth's stepfather, he is Lilith's ex-husband and Brandy's father. Lilith and Sam had a very volatile relationship, there was physical, mental and verbal abuse (at both of their hands) in addition Sam is ex-armed forces and has been diagnosed with PTSD, he saw three members of his unit killed in front of him during an attack in Afghanistan.

Seth and Sam have the weirdest relationship and I (of course) blame Lilith for most of this, I hate to seem like I am always harping on her but her actions really do lead to a whole load of issues for Seth that Adam and I are left dealing with while she flits around oblivious to the psychological and emotional damage we feel like she inflicts on Seth.

Lilith's dating history is pretty "colorful" if I am being generous. She has never been without a man for more then about 12 weeks to my knowledge, I am taking into account her break up with her high school boyfriend right before Adam, through her last break up after Sam and including her current boyfriend Deuce. Lilith moves quickly with her boyfriends, most of them have become her fiancées within 2 to 6 months of dating (I would love to get a look at her stockpile of engagement rings) she moves in with them quickly or allows them to move in with her. It is an ongoing cycle I have personally been witness to something like 7 times in the last 10 years. I believe that Sam is her longest relationship, lasting almost 5 years (if you don't count how she is still emotionally dependent on Adam) or the affair that she "wasn't" having during the last year of their marriage. Lilith's colorful dating history will have to be a future post.

Sam came into their relationship with two kids of his own and an ex-wife who is completely bat shit crazy and I do not use that term loosely, Lillian (seriously that is her name, Sam went from a Lillian to a Lilith) is the most undermining, PASing, vindictive, manipulative person I have ever met. She called DCFS saying that Seth was sexually abusing her son, twice. We had to enroll Seth in counseling and he was almost faced with juvenile charges but because Adam and I got involved during the second investigation and because Seth was just under the age of 7 we were able to avoid that because there was no concrete evidence, just Lillian's word against Seth's. Adam got into an argument with Lillian in the DCFS offices during one of the investigation meetings because it was obvious that she wasn't over her and Sam's divorce; Lillian had Sam and Lilith's first marriage annulled because they got married the day before her and Sam's divorce was officially stamped by the courts. Her third call to DCFS launched a full investigation and it was discovered that her brother was abusing her son but only because we had Seth for 3 weeks and we had plane tickets showing we were out of the state during the weekend in question.

Lillian was stalking Lilith for a while, I know this because we were living in the same neighborhood as Lilith and Sam and I kept seeing Lillian's car parked by my house (Lillian didn't know we were living there at the time) Lillian was parking her car and creeping around Lilith's house peeking in windows and stuff while Sam was working nights. After all the fighting, accusations and stalking Lillian had the audacity to try and befriend Adam and I during soccer, I know I am not always Lilith's biggest fan but the idea that Lillian would think I would want to chat and gossip with her after all she did to Sam, Lilith and Seth, is (much like Lillian herself) insane. I couldn't make up a character like this if I tried, if I could I would be a famous fiction writer instead of blogger writing about my real life. Did I mention Lillian is the one who split things off with Sam and was remarried during all of this? Her husband sat there passively while all this was going on, including the stalking, so I really don't know who is crazier and never wanted anything to do with either of them.

Because of Sam's PTSD and because of his personality he and I never got on very well. At first I was hoping he would be an ally in the whole step-parent, blended family thing but he and I couldn't be more opposite if we tried. He is rigid, as a lot of men and women in the armed forces are, he believes in corporal punishment, I made Adam include a paragraph in Seth's parenting plan that specified no one but himself and Lilith would ever hit Seth in any way. Sam was also a jock in high school, I wasn't, I was the girl in a General Hospital nightgown I got from the thrift store, ripped tights and Doc's with fire engine red hair. I was an art nerd, lost in books and music. My friends were the freaks, nerds and weirdos, not a lot has changed, only I am now wearing TOMS and my highlights are purple.

Sam, Lilith and I all grew up in the same hometown. Lilith is a few years younger then me but Sam and I are the same age. We didn't know each other in high school but I knew some of the people he hung out with and lets just say, we weren't friends, in fact some of them worked very hard to try to make my high school career a nightmare. Luckily for me, I am entirely too lazy to hold grudges.

Like too many veterans Sam is underemployed. He had the chance to go to college on a sports scholarship after high school but met Lillian and knocked her up. I sometimes feel fleetingly badly for him because he has made some poor choices and is now stuck with two babies mamas but his personality comes across as cocky and abrasive and I remember he made his bed and has to now lay in it.

While we never openly disagreed I often felt like Sam discarded everything I said. I also felt like he had an idea of who Adam was based on things that Lilith said to him that have no bearing on who Adam is today. Lilith doesn't seem to have an understanding that Adam is no longer the kid she once knew and that he no longer believes or is interested in the things he was when they were together. In Lilith's mind Adam has not grown up but that isn't the reality of the man I am married too, he isn't even the same person he was when we met.

During their relationship we were told a lot of things about Sam that make me cautious of him (that he is violent, unstable, abusive and an alcoholic) but since their divorce Sam and Lilith have become friendly again, Sam was instrumental in bailing Lilith out of jail when she was arrested on the DUI. I don't understand it, Lilith remains very emotionally dependent on her children's fathers and does the same thing with Adam to a level but with Sam and the history of domestic violence I have no idea why Lilith wouldn't want to have as little to do with him as possible but just the opposite, now that they are broken up she depends on him financially and emotionally even more. Lilith is even talking about putting Seth on the soccer team that Sam coaches again.

Lilith and Sam's divorce was messy and drama filled with each one of them fighting for sole physical and legal custody of Brandy. They went back and forth for months, Sam was ordered to pay a large amount in child support and shortly after the divorce and custody agreement was settled Sam and Lilith changed everything so that Sam now has 50/50, I don't know how much of this is because of Lilith's arrest, I really try to stay out of everything but I have no idea why they both fought so hard to keep the other one out of Brandy's life. In the end, she is the only one I feel bad for.

Home Sweet Home

My house may not be big, my furniture may mostly be second hand and refinished, it's not always perfectly clean and sometimes I let the kids watch too much tv. We may not live in an über desirable neighborhood but I like my house, it's my home. It where I am raising my kids and forming memories. I know my neighbors, they know our dog. Seth has friends and a place in the social order of our community.

Adam was away on a business trip and didn't get home until today. Seth was with Lilith for the weekend. So it was just Lulu and me. It was fun we did momma and Lulu pedicures. I wanted to go shopping, she wanted to run around naked watching old Disney cartoons, we compromised by me shopping online and she wore a diaper.

Seth called quite a bit again this weekend, his biggest news was that Lilith was moving. She and Deuce got a place together so she is going to move immediately. I am not shocked, surprised or anything but grateful that her new place is closer to ours and that I don't work for any management company that she rents from because I don't know that she has ever finished out a lease.

So tonight Adam is home, laying next to me gently snoring. Seth is asleep in his bed a tangle of arms and legs and too many blankets on a bed. Lulu is asleep gently cuddling the blanket my mom made for her. And I am laying here, typing this out quickly before exhaustion of sleeping alone catches up to me. I couldn't ever be happier then when everyone is here, happy and healthy.

It may not be a lot but to me, it's everything, it's the only thing that matters.

I Just Called...

Seth calls me a ridiculous amount of times everyday. During the week when he is with Adam and I, he calls me at least twice a day, remember I am home with Lulu so I don't know why he feels the need to call so much. He calls to tell me that he has gotten to school and then calls to tell me he is coming home (he walks to school, his school is around the corner from our house)

When Seth is with Lilith he calls me on average 6 times a day and I talk to him on average 4 times a day. He calls to say goodnight to Lulu and although we have said goodnight to him during that phone call he still calls again when he is going to bed. No joke, he called me yesterday while he was using the bathroom. He calls to tell me when he does chores and earned money. He calls to tell me when Lilith is acting weird, or when she is acting normal. He calls to tell me his plans for the weekend, the day, the afternoon. He calls to confirm when Adam and I will be picking him up, who will be picking him up and what time, those phone calls start about 2 hours after we drop him off on Friday night.

We buy him minutes on a prepaid cell phone, usually we buy them in 200 minute bundles and we buy them every 2 or 3 months. With the way he calls me alone he is using around 100 minutes a month, now throw in his calls to Adam (who he only calls about once or twice a day when he is with Lilith and hardly ever when he is home) there is where his minutes are going. What I don't understand is when you figure in his calls and text messages to friends and the rest, when is he talking to Lilith?

Lilith calls him usually twice a week on his phone, she hardly ever calls Adam and I anymore, she would prefer to pass messages through Seth although she does call Adam when she needs to lie about something. Occasionally Seth will use Skype to call Lilith but that is rare because Brandy is now with Sam every other week. On the weeks that Brandy isn't around it isn't uncommon for Lilith not to talk to Seth for 4 or 5 days.

I find this all very bizarre. I always encourage and support Seth in communicating with his mom but I don't know why he is so resistant. I also don't know why Lilith isn't more proactive in trying to communicate with Seth. I couldn't imagine not talking to him everyday, even when his multiple phone calls drive me batty.

Just another part of their relationship I don't understand. This is a screen shot of my actual call log from the last few days.

Let's go Lulu!

RachelLulu is potty training. Seth is at Lilith's for the weekend, with his usual barrage of 8-10 phone calls to Adam and myself every day while he is there. The difficulty is that in our modern day of smart phone apps, I am a slave to the "potty timer" and the toilet this weekend; I am spending every 10 minutes or so asking Lulu if she needs to go potty, taking Lulu to the bathroom and setting her on the toilet. Giving Lulu stickers for using the potty, reading Lulu potty board books, checking Baby Center's boards about potty training, reading the Mayo Center's website, What to Expect, Parenting.com, even Wikipedia, singing potty training songs to Lulu. Watching Lulu's every action for signs that she needs to use the bathroom.

Because I am using the "Potty Timer" I can't just turn my phone off and ignore the calls from Seth. I am wavering between annoyance at his constant calls and understanding his need to talk to us, he called this morning while Lilith was having a "spazz attack" and was screaming (nothing was going on that I know of, she was just screaming and yelling) at Seth, Brandy (Lilith's daughter with Sam) and her current boyfriend we call Deuce.

Potty training is the only thing that Lilith has done successfully in child-rearing that I haven't. Part of me wishes I could send Lulu with Seth and Lilith for the weekend until she is potty trained but I can't (and really I wouldn't) so here I am trying to potty train, spending ungodly amounts of time in the bathroom and trying to catch up on some writing for you guys in two minute bursts between trips to the bathroom and trips back out to the living room. It's going to be a long couple of days.

Spring Fresh Air/Break

What is it with Seth and showering on Spring Break? Every year it's a fight and since he has officially entered the status of preteen it's gotten worse this year because to say it bluntly, he stinks.

He stunk before but it was that dirt, wet dog and unbrushed teeth smell that little boys are so fond of, occasionally with the hint of dirty feet and chlorine.

This year he still has those traditional smells but has added the smell of body odor, moldy laundry and man fart to his bouquet. Basically he smells like straight up ass. His friends are showering as often as he is, so I don't think they can smell each other over the covers of sunscreen, Axe body spray, cigarette smoke (one of his friends parents and brother smoke inside their house) and fast food grease.

They are a disgusting bunch right now, none of them are allowed to sit on anything cloth inside my house. This is also one of the last Spring Breaks I will fight him to shower and brush his teeth (Summer will be fun too) he is growing up faster then I can even believe. It's like I blinked my eyes and 2 years passed, I took a nap and another 5 were gone, I took my eyes off him for one second and he started turning into a man.

He is a good kid and I love him, I am proud of who he is growing up to be and maybe when I am on my deathbed I will long for the smells of his youth, like I will long for the smells of my own.

But for now, does anyone know if I can Febreze a preteen?

Lies, Liars and Lying

Lilith lies.

Lilith lies about just about everything from what I've noticed. Lilith lies about big things, small petty things, she lies when we know the the truth or the truth is easily found out. She lies about things so she doesn't have to take responsibility for them, she lies about what she thinks people want to hear. She lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. She lies to herself and she lies so much I often wonder if she even knows she is lying anymore.

She lies to Adam constantly. It becomes difficult to know if anything in her world is ever real. I have had to come up with complex ways to find out the truth. Adam and I have a joke between ourselves "how do you know Lilith is lying? Her lips are moving" but in honesty it is hard to co-parent with someone who lies all the time.

Every single grandparent of hers has died at every single job she has ever had. She told us 4 times last year that she couldn't come get Seth because she was getting her car registered, then when she was arrested on the DUI one of the charges was expired tags. She lied to us for years about the abusive nature of her marriage to Sam. She lied about things Seth saw or heard while in her care. She lies now about her drinking.

She also white washed her and Adam's past together, which admittedly we all have a tendency to do and I don't expect her to tell Seth the true nature of her and Adam's relationship but to hear Seth talk about what his mom says, you would think that they had a wonderful relationship, still love each other deeply but just in a different way now and that Adam wanted to be with me, so they split up. I have been honest with Seth that his dad and mom were divorced before I came into the picture and that his mom was already living with someone else but I don't try to refute the rest of it. If it helps Seth to believe that his parents still love each other then fine, it doesn't change my place in this family. The truth is Adam and Lilith were very young when they met, Adam's parents were divorcing so he was in a but of a rebellious phase. Their relationship was, like all of Lilith's relationships, very volatile, they fought often, there was drinking and the such involved, there was infidelity and when Adam had enough he moved out and asked for a divorce.

Anyways. Lilith's ease at lying is a trait that I see Seth picking up and it really disturbs me. I know people lie, heck I lie, we all lie but for the most part I try to be an honest person and a real, genuine role model for Seth and Lulu. It bothers me to see and hear Seth lie like it is no big thing. I know part of it is his age, but also is watching his mother lie so easily about everything. It is a real problem for me, one without a clear answer.

Saying Goodbye

Funerals, memorials and goodbyes are for the living. I have had my share of having to deal with deaths in this past year. I want to take this opportunity to say goodbye and close this chapter publicly. To maintain privacy I am going to just leave this as one letter.

Friend,
You left us too soon and we are left with more questions then we will ever have answers. I am sorry that you didn't feel like you could come to me, Adam or anyone else, that you felt so alone, that you were hurting so badly that you felt like you had no other options. I wish you would have said something to me when I talked to you that last time. I would have done everything in my power to help you.

I don't know if you are even aware of the pain you left behind. I watched your mother cry at your funeral, as a new mother myself seeing those baby pictures of you, knowing the hopes, dreams and love she had for you. It was almost suffocating to bear witness to her grief. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. To see your siblings cry, to watch their pain so raw and unguarded. It felt obscene to watch but as we were all gathered together to remember you, I was a part of it. Adam came to your funeral, which should tell you how much you meant to him as a friend. I have watched Adam repress his grief about your death for months now.

To see your friends grieve, too see so many lives that you touched. You wouldn't have been able to say that no one cared. I don't know why you felt so alone and so desperate. Your choice of actions caused hurt on top of pain. You left questions that no one can ever answer, you left a scar on the collective psyche of those that loved you. While I understand that you were hurting and I don't want to seem like I don't care, you have to know that your actions were incredibly selfish. You involved and hurt innocent people while carrying out your final actions.

You left your spouse a shell of person, I watched and cried as I saw them hurt for so long until they physically gave up, became sick and finally passed because the thought of living without you caused them so much pain that they stopped fighting to live. Have you ever watched someone die from a broken heart? I have seen it two other times, both in elderly couples who passed within months of each other. To watch my young, vibrant friend go through that was incredibly painful. I tried to offer help, to find grief counselors, to be there and take care of them like you asked me too in your final message. If only I had recognized that you were saying goodbye in time.

I hope that have found the peace that you were so desperately looking for. I am sorry that you couldn't find it here on earth, I am sorry that some of us didn't even know you were hurting so badly. I hope you found your love and that you are able to find peace. I am sorry that you couldn't find anything to continue to fight and live for. It is such a different tragedy when someone is taken from us too early and when someone choses to leave us early.

You were a good friend, I think about all the time we sat together talking about life, talking about things of deepness and meaning. I think about all the times we sat and talked about nothing. The times that we laughed, the advice that was given, the quiet moments. I think about the times we watched you preform, about the talent you had and how that is all that will live on now that you are gone.

Goodbye my friends. I will miss you


If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideations there is help out there.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

If you have lived through the suicide of a loved one or friend, you aren't alone and there is help and support for you as well.

http://www.allianceofhope.org/

Local support groups by state:
http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-support-group-directory

Dealing with Personality Disorders

Let me start off by saying I am not a mental health professional and at no time could I ever diagnose someone with a mental illness or a personality disorder. Also mental illness in and of itself does not make anyone a bad parent but learning how to deal with what someone is suffering through can be immensely helpful in custody situations.

We all deal with our own quirks and mental illnesses, I am prone to depression and live with ADHD-I.

Over the years of dealing with Lilith I have questioned my own sanity. I have also looked for an explanation of her behavior and why she makes the choices that she does, which far too often haven't taken Seth's well being into consideration in my humble opinion. Remember, I chose this life, I chose to give up a free and unattached life to be with a man who had a child and I have always strived to do what is best for that child.

Also in my family of origin I come from a blended family with a sibling that suffered Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) at the hands of their custodial parent. I am an armchair psychologist, like Adam is an armchair quarterback yelling plays at the screen. I am fascinated with mental health and what makes our minds tick. I have read and studied but I am no professional.

Lilith has never shared if she has been diagnosed with any mental illness or personality disorders with Adam or myself. You probably are thinking that of course she wouldn't have shared that with us but with the amount and types of details that she does share with us on a normal basis we would be surprised if she didn't tell us she had a mental illness or personality disorder. There is a history of mental illness in her family that we have been made aware of by Lilith and her sibling. Lilith's sibling also believes that Lilith is at minimum bipolar, which is very possible.

It is my unprofessional opinion that Lilith may have a borderline personality.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

What this means for us is that Lilith is very emotionally unstable. She has expressed inappropriate behaviors towards Adam on more then one occasion and she is inconsistent and unreliable. I have previously shared that Lilith has a problem with substance abuse, which only exacerbates the possible underlying personality disorder.

How do we deal? Here's the thing, crazy trumps everything. You have a full house suited? Great, they are crazy and win with a joker, a 5 and a magazine subscription card. You learn that "drawing a line in the sand" means nothing. You have to choose very carefully what battles you want to fight. You allow yourself to be stepped all over so that the kid isn't affected. In our life Lilith leans toward not wanting to deal with Seth or have him at times. If you deal with someone else who leans towards never allowing the child to leave and an enmeshed emotional relationship with their child, well hopefully I will have a guest blogger who can talk about PAS more at a later date

Thank you for understanding as I played catch up these last few weeks. I have spent a lot of time in reflection and we may have another custody change in the near future as we deal with Lilith getting a restricted license and then she should have the ability to transport Seth and Lilith is telling us she has a legitimate job so those should take some stress off Adam and I.

Having Seth full time is a mixed bag. He is helpful with chores around the house and there is no denying his love of Rachel, which is a blessing for me but he also makes messes, is stubborn and doesn't pick up after himself. Nothing moves in a linear manner in this world I am in, it doesn't even move in a pattern I can recognize. It seems just about the time I have things figured out or anything Lilith flips the switch on us but that is typical of mental illness.

First Time Mother, Second Time Parent

There is something else about our family situation that I feel bears an explanation but I also hope that it doesn't alienate any of my readers. I hope that you can understand why I haven't shared this from the beginning and I will try to explain why I didn't want it being discussed until you my lovely readers had begun to build an understanding of our situation and who we are. It isn't a secret, I have mentioned it before but I haven't given it any explanation.

I am speaking of course about RachelLulu.

My decision to not lead off with her was rooted in my desire to not be labeled a "mommy blogger" in any way. Also since my blog mainly focuses on my life in our custody situation, I never want to lose focus on that. There are a million mommy bloggers and I have nothing against them, it's just that there aren't a lot of stepmothers blogging openly about their lives and I hope to help even one person because I know I felt so alone when I came into this life.

Adam and I were married for 5 years, together for 7 when I found out I was pregnant. I had lived as a childless stepmom up until that point. I define this because it is a subset in the step parenting world that brings its own confusion, complications and condemnation. As I have been fortunate enough to be a part of a dynamic group of other childless stepmothers, I can share the main differences that a childless stepmother may go through versus a woman who is already a mother who becomes a step parent. If you don't have your own kids coming into the step parenting world the most often refrain you will hear is that you can't possibly understand why your significant other or the biological parent does certain things because you are not a mother. I think this is an unfair position, it's unfair because while becoming a mother did change my life the only thing it changed in my life as a stepmother was to make me realize that my feelings towards Seth were correct and that I was doing the right things by him with my decisions. But I have heard the "you're not a mother, you wouldn't understand" from countless sources over the last 10 years; Adam (once, he never made that mistake again) Lilith (anytime I pointed out that she was being a hypocrite, so exactly 3 times in 10 years) Sam (cause I gave a rats ass about what he thought) other of Lilith's boy toys, a couple of her friends (again with the not caring, sorry your dating a convicted pedophile, your opinion doesn't matter) Lilith's sister (who has since apologized after becoming a mother herself and realizing how selfish Lilith can be) well meaning friends who don't know our situation fully or spoke without thinking; Seth's preschool, kindergarten and second grade teachers, someone at the grocery store who had no idea about our situation at all but said I would never understand until I became a mother and people I went to church with 15 years ago who need to mind their own damn business and wonder why I don't go to church or talk to them anymore.

Some of the women I know are happily child-free, they do not want biological children, they are content with their lives and are happy with their choices. They just happened to meet and fall in love with a man who has kids. They often love their step children deeply but struggle because of their desires not to be a parent and finding themselves thrown into a parenting role when they may not have been prepared. It can cause resentment, it's maybe not "right" but it is honest and being honest with ourselves is the most important thing. Some people don't want to have kids and there is nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with them and I admire them for knowing what they want.

There are also women who do want children but are unable too because of infertility or other reasons. Some women desperately want a child of their own but maybe met a man who had a vasectomy after the birth of his children. Reversal is possible but expensive and not a guarantee. Again, they met a man with children and fell in love. For some of these women the sword is double edged because since they do want to be mothers they hope and strive for a good relationship with their stepchildren, not knowing what an emotional minefield they have gotten themselves into.

I fell into a group between these two, we call ourselves fence sitters. I always loved children but never felt that desperate ache to become a mother. When Adam and I learned that I was "sub-fertile" I didn't have the desire to pursue costly fertility treatments for something I wasn't sure I wanted passionately. Our fertility path wasn't easy and loses made me feel like I didn't want to get my hopes up for something that may never happen. I was scared. So I was the queen fence sitter. I wasn't "childless" but I wasn't "childfree" I didn't feel a tug inside me either direction.

It was to my great surprise then when I did become pregnant. Adam was supportive and excited. Seth was over the moon. I was cautiously happy and honestly scared out of my mind. Because of my involvement in the step parenting world, I have seen so many relationships fall apart when kids became a part of them, or at least that is what I interpreted things to be. I didn't want to mess up the life Adam and I had, things were good, we were happy, Seth was getting older and more independent.

My pregnancy was normal and I will save you from the details of the birth other then to say that I didn't know I could love someone so instantly. My relationship with Seth has grown over the last 10 years. I do believe that I love him as a parent loves their child and having Rachel has confirmed that for me. But I imagine my relationship with Seth is more how an adoptive parent feels then the instantaneous love that a mother feels for her child.

It's funny because Rachel is now older then Seth was when I met him, so I can compare the kinds of children they are and she is so much like her brother. She adores Seth and he adores Rachel. They may be around 10 years apart but there is no questioning their love for one another.

I get asked if Rachel is my first and I answer yes but it feels false because I have been around and through so much with Seth but Rachel is my first (and probably only) biological child. I can't discount all I have learned raising Seth and I know I am a better parent for it, but with Rachel, Adam and I don't have to share. Lilith's opinions don't matter. We never have to worry about her or check with her before we do something. Nothing is going to mess up our time with her and while I wouldn't be honest if I said that Lilith doesn't influence things with Rachel at all because Lilith's drama often effects our entire household, so of course Rachel is impacted by the decisions, often poor decisions that Lilith makes. This is an area of my life that Lilith isn't a part of and it is amazing.

So here I am a first time mother but a second time parent. And now you know a little more about RachelLulu.

Another Day, Another Drama.

I hate Lilith's drama.

Seriously. Lilith fought to pick Seth up Thursday, so Adam relented and let her pick him up after school after she said she wouldn't be driving and that he would be able to get him to school on Friday. I think she was lying about driving but I am not getting involved.

Lilith was upset because she hasn't seen Seth in almost 3 weeks (everyone in her house was apparently sick last weekend so he didn't go over for his visitation) and she wanted to see him, that was perfectly reasonable and fair that she would want to see him. No issues there at all.

My WTF comes in when Seth called Adam and I last night to say goodnight, he used Skype which means he had to be within wifi. Lilith doesn't have wifi. Seth was calling from Lilith's parents house. Lilith left Seth and Leah with her parents so she could go out for the night, and now wants Adam to pick up Seth today because she has a hangover and wants to take a nap instead of taking him to his game.

Why does Lilith throw a fit to see Seth and then dump him off on sitters for the weekend and ask Adam to get him early? Especially when she hasn't seen her son in almost 3 weeks? I hate that her selfishness makes Seth feel unwanted.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil

I don't have a lot to complain about Lilith right now and that is because I have had no contact with her in more then 2 weeks. I got the flu which kept me from most social media and even since recovering I haven't been on Seth's Facebook to check anything, so it has been like Lilith isn't a part of my life.

She should have had visitation with Seth this weekend but her household was sick so she didn't have him and he stayed with us. I don't know what is going to happen this week. Lilith has apparently been driving even though her license is suspended because of her DUI. I know she wants to revert to the old custody arraignment of 50/50 but I don't think it is a good idea until she either regains her license or gains a restricted drivers license. I told Adam last night that I think it would be trouble to knowingly allow Lilith to drive Seth without a license but I have now left The situation with Adam and won't keep worrying about it. I can't promise that if Lilith is allowed to drive with Seth in the car and gets pulled over driving on a suspended license that I won't place a call to the social worker but telling the social worker anything is like tattling to a house cat. Useless. I have never met a CPS worker who was lazier and less involved then the one dealing with Lilith'a case.

Lilith has been in the middle of a case with CPS investigating her alcohol abuse. She was sent for a drug and alcohol screening, which she passed because she isn't drunk enough to drink immediately proceeding the test. During the investigation stage is when Lilith got her DUI. I called the social worker to make her aware of the situation, as she instructed me I was to do during the whole investigation. We allowed this social worker access to our home, Seth and RachelLulu's medical records, Seth's school records. Personal information about ourselves, anything that was needed to be transparent. We did what we were supposed too. The social worker called me back 3 days after my initial call to her about the DUI (which took place over the holidays) and told me that they would see what information they could investigate. We haven't heard from her since.

I was ready to fight but Adam felt a bit apathetic once Seth was safe with us full time. I have the social workers supervisors information and could have pursued the issue further but chose to step back. I wasn't trying to persecute Lilith and really I didn't care as long as Seth was safe. I just don't want to be standing here saying "I told you so" if Lilith is allowed to drive Seth while we know her license is suspended or if something else happens because of her alcohol abuse but like countless other stepparents I am left biting my tongue because really it isn't my battle to fight. I can't fight more then my husband, Seth's biological parent, if he doesn't feel like the intervention is warranted then I am left with no choice but to back away.

Oh! And you may ask how we know that Lilith is driving on a suspended license and hasn't gotten a restricted license yet? Because again, she told Adam. He didn't ask, he didn't pursue the information. She volunteered it but because of knowing the truth I don't feel like we can just act like we don't know and pretend we don't know.

Good times.

Thank you.

Thank you for understanding as I played catch up this week. The rapid change in custody and bug crippled me over the weekend. I have spent a lot of time in reflection and we may have another custody change in the near future as we deal with Lilith getting a restricted license and then she should have the ability to transport Seth and it should take some stress off Adam and I.

Having Seth full time is a mixed bag. He is helpful with chores around the house and there is no denying his love of Rachel, which is a blessing for me but he also makes messes, is stubborn and doesn't pick up after himself.

Catching up

Catching up after being down sucks.

Sucks even more when you are prone to getting sinus infections after every cough or sniffle.

I go to the ENT on Friday to see about getting out of this cycle of sick/sicker/sickest/antibiotics.

I know there are people I owe emails too and things that need my attention so please forgive me as I catch up a little.

TILT - A Day Late

The Findlay household has been awash in sickness this week so forgive me for falling behind. I want to hit the TILT this week, even though I am a day late. I feel like its always so important to make what you are thankful for known.

I am thankful for Adam, who has held this household together all this week while I have been sick. He has cared for me, gotten me medicine, kept the house clean and kept everyone fed. I couldn't have made it one day without him and this is the sickest I have been in years! He took care of Seth's homework and school work, made sure his clothes were clean and that he got into bed on time. Adam took care of RachelLulu, he bathed her, he sang to her, he cuddled her, he fed her and made her laugh. He brought her to me when she needed to nurse and I was half awake. Adam changed her and dressed her, he took care of a diaper rash and washed cloth diapers.

Adam stood beside me this week in good times and bad. In better and for worst, for richer or poorer in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live. I am an incredibly blessed women. And I couldn't let me being sick be an excuse to not make sure Adam knows how much I appreciate him and that isn't the cold medicine talking!

What to Expect When Your Expecting or Not

Please excuse my cold medicine induced hysteric's and delusions. This was written before I got sick but I can't promise that I was able to check it over with my usual editorial eye.

These first few entries I have tried to get you caught up with who we are as a family, a blended family and more, even a little bit of who we are as people. I have a ways to go in our story and a few family members to introduce. I hope by now that I have managed to express that I do not hate or have negative feelings about Lilith, Adam's ex-wife and Seth's biological mother. As I am hoping to have some guest bloggers show in the next few weeks, blended families are hard even when everyone involved is focused on the best interest of the children. At the best you get the "bonus moms" situation? where everyone has a role and respects each others role The other end involves court orders, PAS, custodial kidnapping, extended family interference, expensive court battles, mud slinging, hurt feelings for adults and so much worst for the children involved and restraining orders. We are much closer to the bonus moms in the middle.

Enough rambling on to this weeks blog!


When Seth was 5 Adam and I, found out that Lilith was pregnant again. I was scared and upset.

I was scared because pregnant women are nuts. They cry, they are super uber sensitive, they have cravings they just have to give into, their emotions and feelings are all over the place to extremes. They can be laughing to crying to laughing so hard they need to pee themselves. I had been around 6 or 8 pregnant women by now, a couple of friends and family members, I wasn't just going off what I had seen on tv or movies. Imagining Lilith, who exhibits some these symptoms all the time normally, pregnant was terrifying. It would be like finding out Godzilla was pregnant with King Kong's baby or more accurately finding out Satan was worshiping Anton LeVey. It seemed like bad on top of bad to me.

Adam on the other hand wasn't as worried or distressed and reassured me, that for some reason, the only time Lilith seems completely sane and normal is while she is pregnant. During her pregnancy with Seth, Adam has shared, was the only time during their entire relationship that wasn't marked by constant fighting or constant drama.

I was upset because Adam and I had already begun to experience what we would discover would be my fertility issues. I was sad, I was frustrated that Lilith was pregnant so easily again, with Sam, someone she had known for less then a year. It felt extremely unfair in the karmic sense that Lilith was pregnant again when she wasn't always a good or attentive parent to Seth. How on earth would she have the time and attention to have two kids? I was sad because I worried I would never get to have a child who was "mine" I loved Seth with all of my heart but maybe it isn't the same or maybe I would never get to have a real family with Adam. Even though I kept telling myself that family is what you make it. I really did believe that if Seth was all my life was blessed with child-wise then I was lucky because Lilith was gracious in allowing me to be a part of Seth's life. She never played games in that area and I am forever grateful for her about that.

Adam was correct about Lilith's behavior while she is pregnant. Maybe it is because she has taken being pregnant seriously and never smoked or drank once she found out she was pregnant. Maybe it is something about the pregnancy hormones that balances something out in her brain but she was so great pregnant. She was reasonable, she didn't cross boundaries or act inappropriate in her conversations with Adam or Seth (I sometimes wonder if she has forgotten that she is taking to her ex husband and son, not her best friends when she over shares details of her life with them) Lilith was even warm and attentive to Seth. Things were really good.

Then she gave birth to Leah and within 3 months of that, things were crazy, if not crazier again.

Silent Fight

Lilith has had many relationships over the years and most of them have been wrought with drama and abuse. Drama seems at times to be what keeps Lilith going. She bounces from crises to crises, acting like what ever alarm she sounded last week just went unanswered as this weeks new drama unfolds.

Lilith has been through health scares, someone stealing her car, abusive relationships, legal trouble, moving, being evicted, family drama, changing jobs, being fired, a stalker, pregnancy, financial trouble, problems with friends, mechanical problems with her car, she has bought and gotten rid of more pets since I have known her then I could count on my fingers, and toes.

Lilith's relationships develop quickly, she falls in love quickly and throws her whole heart and self into her relationships. The problem that Adam and I have experienced with this is that Lilith has a knack for attracting some pretty whack guys. Now I really don't care who Lilith dates, it's not my business and not my heart to be broken but it sucks to watch her make the same mistakes time and time again. I want to grab her and shake her until she realizes that until she learns to be happy by herself, she will never be happy with someone else.

Adam's only concern is since Lilith's relationships move quickly, it means she introduces these guys to Seth quickly, they move in with her quickly, she encourages a relationship between these guys and Seth quickly. What happens when things go south just as quickly? Seth gets hurt, he becomes defensive of his mom, often wishing and scheming ways to cause physical harm to the guys that have hurt Lilith. It rocks Seth's world and we spend weeks trying to resume normal. We cling to schedules, routines, boundaries and rules because during these times we know how important it is for our house to be a stable safe haven for Seth.

Because of the abuse that Seth has seen Lilith experience (that Adam and I were often unaware of or not made aware of until very recently) he is very sensitive to any disagreements between Adam and myself. We actually have had to learn how to fight without any yelling, screaming, slamming or crying. We had to learn this because Seth would freak out if we expressed any anger or frustration at each other in front of him. We have worked hard to reassure Seth that people can disagree and it doesn't have to become violent or abusive but there is no erasing the things that he has seen. Just a hope that Adam and I can be a model of what a normal relationship can look like.

Now excuse me, I have to go text message Adam a stink eye because he left the toilet seat up for the millionth time.

Things I Love Thursday (TILT)

With all the drama that Lilith brings into our lives and the usual preteen drama that fills Seth's life, it is easy to get drug down by the negative. Adam and I have a normal marriage with the ups and downs but something we have always tried to do is to stay positive. I will admit Adam is often more naturally upbeat then I am, I have to work on being happy and be conscious of where my mind wanders and try not to allow it meditate on the negative, wrong or the sad.

So I am going to introduce "Things I Love Thursday" (TILT) these are just a few things this week that have made me excited no matter how small. I encourage you to share your TILT's with me in the comments, on my Facebook page or in your own blogs, just link to me so I can come share in the love.

Things I Love:
It's raining today, I love the smell of the rain and feeling the humidity on my skin. I love the cloudy grayness and a hot cup of tea in the morning. It's a perfect day to make a potato soup and sit around the table tonight and talk.

I bought $400.00 worth of birthday presents for almost everyone over the next year for $140.00. Including buying an awesome gift for Seth's sister Leah for under $15.00 that originally would have cost $45.00. I love shopping clearance sales.

I love that because of a Groupon I had a chance to share my love of yoga with friends and family. I love hearing them talking about classes and seeing their bright and smiling faces in the room with me.

I love the way Adam smells, I love catching a whiff of his cologne as he walks by or when he is holding me close. I love smelling his pillow after he has left for work in the morning or if I grab a shirt to throw on to help Seth get ready for school and it smells like Adam, it's like wearing a hug from him when he isn't around.

I discovered comedy stations on Pandora. Awesome for cleaning and yard work. Speaking of yard work, I got the front yard weeded, swept the rocks and cleaned up both my elderly neighbors front yards.

This weekend I am going to clean my carpets, which in of itself doesn't seem like something I would love but I love having clean carpets! So the work will be worth the effort. I am also cleaning all the drapes and curtains, time to chase all these dust bunnies away!

So what are the things you love?

The Facebook Fraud

If you were to visit Lilith's Facebook page two things might become apparent. One if you don't actually go looking for him you wouldn't know that she is Seth's mother. She has almost no pictures of him and rarely ever posts about him. The other would be that on the rare occasion that she does post about Seth she takes credit for all the positive activities in his life.

Now Facebook isn't a real representation of any of us. It is only what we want and allow people to see. Sometimes it is surprising the things that people will allow you to see about themselves on Facebook, I saw someone post that they pulled a broken tooth out of their mouth with a pair of needle nosed pliers, that seemed gross, since they didn't manage to get the roots of the tooth out and it also seemed like a complete over share to me but I chose to keep my oral hygiene private for the most part. I also don't post pictures of rashes, abscesses, cysts, pimples or discharge of any kind. Call me old fashioned.

I don't post pictures of myself drinking or drunk. I don't post pictures of myself that could be interpreted as distasteful or controversial. I work very hard to keep my public internet image as something I feel is authentic and something I can be proud of. I am aware that the things I post publicly (and even "privately") don't ever go away and that in theory silly, thoughtless, things I may post today could effect my future. That doesn't stop me from posting random humor and posting about things that I believe in whether political or faith based. I am just careful to think before I post but I also try to live an authentic life that I am not ashamed of people knowing.

I stopped caring a long time ago what Lilith may think about my Facebook profile. I believe that strong fences make good neighbors and because of that I have Lilith blocked from seeing my Facebook account directly. I really don't care about Lilith's Facebook profile, I don't spy on her or use it to check up on her, in fact I rarely ever have any reason to remember that Lilith has an online presence. The only reason I ever run across Lilith online is because Seth got an iPad last year. Part of the agreement allowing Seth to have an iPad was that Adam, Lilith and I would have access to his accounts, passwords and devices at any time.

When Seth is at our house I am mainly the one monitoring his Internet usage. I check his call logs and text messages on his phone, his video game accounts on his PS3, DS and the household Wii. I also I check his email account, browser history, Facebook account and other apps on his iPad and on the home computers. Seth is not allowed to be friends with people we don't know in real life on Facebook, he is friends with family members, family friends, a couple of neighbors and a handful of friends from school and sports. Mostly he uses his Facebook to play all the various "Ville" games; FarmVille, PetVille, CastleVille, CityVille, FishVille. I swear if they made "CleanYourBedroomVille" or a "DoYourHomeworkVille" or a "TakeAShowerVille" he would play those even though we fight almost daily to get him to do those things in real life.

Adam and I have been considering altering our guest WiFi password so it would change every day, so Seth can't get online until his homework and chores are completed. It has been a series of trial and error for me this weekend to attempt to set this up and I am still not sure it is going to work. While working on trying this I needed to get on Seth's iPad, amongst other devices. Seth is at Lilith's and we don't always allow him to take his iPad back and forth with him. Adam and I believe that since Seth has such limited time with Lilith currently we don't want his iPad to be a further distraction and point of contention between them.

So I have been back and forth all morning from my laptop, to the household desktop, to Adam's iPhone, to Seth's iPad, checking the Wii and the PS3, checking my phone and back down the list again. In a few minutes of frustration at things not going as easily as I wanted them too, I decided to check up on Seth's Facebook since I was already on his iPad. I hadn't looked at his account in a while, I saw that I needed to hide one of Adam's stepbrothers and one of Seth's cousins out of his newsfeed because they have been posting things Adam and I both feel are inappropriate for Seth to be seeing at his age (provocative pictures of women and their breasts, suggestive pictures of drugs and alcohol, and argumentative, politicized, glorified pictures of guns) I deleted a message Seth received from some beautiful woman in Russia who "wants to be friends" and invited Seth to check out some of her pictures on her website (I also report things like this) and I blocked the account. I scrolled through the many pictures of kittens that Seth's maternal grandmother posts, hid a few political stories, a couple of drunken pictures and then ran into a couple of posts from Lilith.

Now I would love to act like I just scrolled by and didn't care what she had written but I would be lying to you and myself if I didn't admit my curiosity was piqued. I clicked onto Lilith's page where I saw nothing of concern or even gossip. I did however see an overwhelming amount pictures of Seth's sister Leah. Pictures of Leah sleeping, Leah making goofy faces, Leah playing dress up, Leah getting ready for bed, Leah sitting on the couch, Leah at Christmas, Leah getting her haircut, Leah playing with friends. There were status updates about missing Leah, hanging out with Leah, cuddling with Leah and Leah being sick. I saw one blurry picture of Seth from a few weeks ago when Lilith had taken him ice skating.

Now maybe you are thinking that this lack of Seth's presence has to do with Adam having primary placement and Lilith only having visitation on the weekends but Lilith doesn't have primary placement of Leah either, currently Lilith has 50/50 joint custody of Leah with her ex-husband, Sam. As for The situation that caused Adam to have primary placement; that happened just a few weeks ago, until that point Lilith shared 50/50 custody of Seth with Adam.

So then I noticed Seth mentioned in her last status update, which was about Leah. Lilith's maternal grandmother asked how Seth was doing in school. Lilith replied how she keeps him involved in various athletic activities, how Seth is getting so tall and school is good.

On the surface this is all fine and mostly true. Seth is doing very well in school since the custody change, he also has an amazing teacher this year who has sparked a love of learning and writing in him. I love to get to read his stories, Seth is an amazing storyteller. Seth is getting tall, he is almost as tall as me and soon I will be wearing his hand-me downs. Seth is very, very athletic and has been involved in sports since he was young. Adam was never a "team sports" athlete but is very physically active, he has had Seth riding a bike, climbing a rope or rock and hiking a trail for as long as I can remember.

When Lilith married Sam he got Seth involved in baseball, when Seth expressed an interest in football Adam talked with Lilith before he signed him up. When Seth decided football wasn't his thing and he wanted to play basketball Adam became a coach on his team, even though he had never played more then a scrimmage with friends himself. When Sam was around he was involved in helping Seth play baseball, he coached his team a couple of times over the years, he would bring Seth to some of the practices and some of the games. Sam helped purchase some of the needed equipment or gave Seth some of his old equipment and helped pay for some of the enrollment costs. Adam has always been the main parent to make sure that Seth got to all the practices, even when Lilith and Sam signed Seth up for weekly private coaching in addition to regular weekly baseball practice and twice weekly games, without consulting Adam. Adam has always contributed financially to Seth playing sports, but more then that, Adam has always taken the time to drive Seth to practices, coaching, games, wherever Seth needed to be, Adam has always made sure he was there.

I was frustrated at Lilith's comment that she has always had Seth involved in sports because if there is one person in this whole equation that was the least involved, it was Lilith. Sure she shows up to some of the games with her "team mom" shirt on and yells and cheers for Seth but she has never driven him to a practice, she has never bought him a pair of cleats or basketball shoes, she has never paid for anything. She hasn't even once ever brought the team snack. Those things fall to those of us behind the scenes, while she claims the public glory on Facebook, when she even admits she has a son that is.

Document, Document, Document

If anything I have written has resonated with you, please let me offer this little bit of advice. Document. I can't say this is something I came up with on my own, it was offered by a wise community I was a part of earlier in my life as a step parent.

If you are in a relationship with a partner with a child and there are things going on with the biological parent that make you and your partner uncomfortable documentation is going to be your biggest ally. There are both deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms out there. There are physically and emotionally abusive fathers and mothers. I am not a "bash the mom" blog, although in my situation the parent with the problems is the mom, I am aware of fathers who do these things too.

There is a spreadsheets available online for tracking visitation with areas for notations on a couple of different websites, googling "custody tracker" should help you find one. There may be other resources out there but I have found that a desk calendar (one that opens to show the month) is a good option, especially if you are able to paper clip papers on the months as they pass. Mark your visitation or custodial days or time, notate things that are said by the child or other patent, keep track of things that happen. Get and keep copies of the divorce agreement, parenting plan or custody agreement. Get copies of arrest records and police reports, get copies of reports from DCFS or social workers. Keep report cards, progress reports, emails or notes from teachers and things given at parent/teacher conferences. Keep emails and copies of texts from the other parent if they are relevant. Keep medical histories, reports from doctors and pediatricians. Take pictures of bruises with a daily newspaper in the picture or take pictures of bruising and mail them to yourself with a description of what happened and keep the envelope sealed, you can also do this with printed screenshots of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts, don't be afraid to do these things. You aren't working against the other parent, you are protecting the children. If nothing happens then you will have nothing to document.

I did not take my own advice over the years, I made excuses and didn't want to stir the pot and cause problems. When everything came to a head we didn't have all the evidence that was available to show what had happened over the years. Adam was ambivalent about documenting the trouble that was happening with Lilith, he didn't want to cause drama or invite trouble. The problem it caused us was during the DCFS investigation (who were called in by someone other then us) it essentially became our word versus Lilith's and worse it came down to Seth's word versus his moms, we didn't have the evidence to protect him.

Document, document, document.

Wildfire

I am a firecracker. I get upset easily but I also let it go pretty easily. I get it from my dad who is the same way. I shoot off, make a big explosion and then burn out. As I am getting older I am getting better about not making as big of a scene, I guess I am turning into a sparkler.

Adam is a campfire. It takes a while to get him upset but once he is he can smolder long after the fire appears to be out. If you throw something else on those embers he might flare up but he is pretty contained.

Seth is a wildfire right now. We don't often know what sets him off and just when we think we might have his anger contained it jumps the fire line and threatens to destroy someone's house. Also his anger seems to be influenced by the direction of the wind as much as anything else. It is a constant battle right now to try to keep things under control.

The problem is that true anger is often expressed when someone feels safe enough to show it. We take things out on the people we love the most. For Seth this means that there has been an incredible amount of anger expressed in my house lately. There has been fighting, there has been pouting, he has shut down mid conversation, he has exploded all over his mom on the phone and thrown straight up hissy fits. I have wondered lately if I am going to be forced to try to pick him up and carry him to compliance like I did when he was three. I am not sure how I will accomplish that because I am not sure I could physically pick him up anymore.

Seth is angry mainly because of a series of bad choices by his mom. Just when we thought Lilith couldn't make another poor decision she surprised us all and hit another low. To speak frankly Lilith has a substance abuse problem. It was an arrest because of this problem that forced us into overnight custody.

I have sympathy for the Lilith, I know she does genuinely love Seth but as anyone who is familiar with the 12 steps knows, when someone is in the middle of their addiction they aren't making good choices, their sickness dictates everything. They are selfish, manipulating liars, who will always choose their addiction over others if not treated. Occasionally you can force someone's rock bottom through an intervention but it would be inappropriate for Adam and I to be involved in hers. That is a job for Lilith's family and friends. We hoped that some of the events of the summer would raise her awareness of her actions but unfortunately they haven't.

To protect Seth both physically and emotionally we allowed him to be with us as much as possible. Lilith would often forego her custodial time and allow him to be with us while she was out. Since legally we had/have no standing to withhold visitation we had to let Seth go with his mom, even when we worried. Emergency actions were taken but as we had no legal proof (proving that someone is an unfit parent is extremely difficult, if MTV had not been taping, Amber Portwood would probably not ever been shown to be unfit) because we lacked the legal proof that Seth was in danger or that Lilith was unfit we had no choice but to wait for something to happen and hope that when it finally did that it wouldn't be at the cost of physical harm to Seth.

The Department of Child and Family Services were even involved over the summer but because Lilith was able to pass a drug and alcohol screening no action was taken even though Seth himself expressed his concern to the social worker. It was incredibly frustrating and heart breaking. It was an unbelievably stressful summer.

After Lilith's arrest we had to take custody because she had no way to provide for his education. Educational neglect was something we weren't willing to allow Seth to suffer as well. So here we are, living everyday with a wildfire.

Eating Elephants

It seems like just yesterday that Seth was a pot-bellied toddler running around in a diaper. He still likes to run around in just his underwear but now he is almost as tall as I am, that pot belly is gone, its been replaced with a scrawny frame and his feet are bigger (and stinkier) then mine. I have been blessed with his love for a long time but he is a strong willed child. He was a difficult toddler and as we watch the preteen years approach we are seeing those old challenges reappearing. What is it about toddlers and teenagers? Learning to be their own people and testing their limits, while making their parents question their beliefs, doubt themselves as parents and always wonder if we are doing the right thing. Also there is a touch of questioning your sanity involved with being a parent. Some days the challenge seems so big that there just seems no way we will get though all this. At those moments I am reminded of the wise advice I was given a couple of years into this gig:

How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.

I have always been the authoritative/stricter parent in our household but Adam is a wonderfully consistent and an amazing parent. It takes a lot to get to him and he is a bit more lax then I am about things with Seth like; clothes matching, flossing, cleaning his bedroom and his handwriting on schoolwork. I have learned to pick my battles over the years and have only a small handful of things I would consider as my hills to die on. A wonderful thing about our marriage is that we do not have the same strengths and weaknesses, so I feel like we compliment each other nicely as partners and parents.

I have always known that I came into a package deal situation. I knew that Seth was always going to be a priority in my husband life, I knew before we were married that I would have to be on board 110% with making sure my decisions would always be in the best interest of Seth, this doesn't mean that he dictates our household or our choices but that I made the choice to become a full fledged parent to him. This was both an unconscious and conscious decision at the time. My conscious choice was to always treat Seth the same way I would any possible future children.

I am not an evil stepmother, although there are times that I imagine Seth believes that I am. I have high expectations for him, I have these because I do honestly believe he is capable of great things. I expect good behavior, I expect him to be gracious and fair, I expect him to be responsible and respectful. I harp on him to unload the dishwasher, take the trash out and other chores. We butt heads when he doesn't understand that I know that the vacuum cleaner leaves tracks on the carpet so if there are no tracks, no matter how much he defends himself, I am aware that he hasn't vacuumed.

Seth is an incredibly kind hearted person. A few weeks ago he saw a woman on the side of the freeway while he was driving with his dad, she was asking for money and they saw as her son approached her. She was not using her son to get money but she walked away to talk with him. This touched Seth so much, he asked if that kid was in school, if the kid was made fun of for being homeless and other questions that Adam was unable to answer. When they got home Seth went into his room where I had just sorted out some clothes that no longer fit him, he grabbed some sweaters and asked his dad to please keep them with him until he saw the kid again and then to give them to him so the kid wouldn't be cold.

Raising a young boy can be hard but we take it one day and one bite at time.

In The Beginning

I was free and unattached when I met him. Adam was attractive, smart, funny and he came as a package deal with a young son. I have always known that one came with the other and as a young idealistic woman, I couldn't have foreseen what my life would become by those early decisions.

Adam did not have a lot of baggage. His divorce from Lilith was amicable. His heart was free and he freely gave it to me as I gave mine to him. Seth was young it was easy to fall in love with him, I can still vividly remember the night, the moments even that Seth and I bonded. It started with a simple act of scratching his back. My choice to love my boys seemed easy in comparison to the challenges brought on by step life.

I have never doubted my decisions or my place in this family but it hasn't all been easy. While Adam's divorce from Lilith was amicable, she herself has tested our patience, often causing a lot of drama and disruption. While everyone has often sincerely worked for what is best for Seth, when someone else's decisions (both positive and negative) override your decisions in your own home, it can be a challenge.

I have no hatred of Lilith, while it will often seem like I am frustrated by her choices and actions, I have no desire for her not to be a part of Seth's life. In fact it is quite the opposite, I truly believe that Seth would only flourish and thrive with loving and attentive parents and partners in his life. Whether you agree or not, I am a parent in Seth's life, he can't remember a time when I haven't been in his life. We have supported Lilith's partners and have asked that Seth respect them as he does to the rest of us. This is the truth of many modern blended families. Lilith and I are friendly, we can make small talk and sit by each other while supporting Seth in his endeavors. I have been blessed that Lilith has always been supportive of my position in his life. She does not undercut my authority or play mental games with Seth in regards to Adam and myself.

In those early days my husband had every weekend visitation, Seth is one of the most important things in Adam's life and the desire to have more time with him, along with trying to support Lilith in a difficult time, lead to us eventually change custody to 50/50 week on, week off. This has always been our ideal, of course if we were perfectly honest we would have to admit that having Seth 100% would be ok with us. But 100% is not ideal, it is selfish for a variety of reasons; we want Seth to have a happy, healthy relationship with his mom and not allowing and encouraging this would be unfair to both of them. 50/50 worked for years, although we were worried about what we saw as a possible approaching storm of Seth hitting puberty and the unfortunate truth that Lilith has never been an authoritative parent or a stable person. She has a history of making self centered choices that have caused problems for our household and caused Seth pain. All of this came to a head when another poor decision of hers forced our hand and we had no choice but to become custodial overnight. Lilith now has every weekend visitation.

I don't want to seem defensive or rant-y about Lilith but by being honest about how her decisions have affected all of us, I am hoping to find clarity and maybe help someone else who might be new in dealing with a situation like ours.