Sam

Refresher for everyone: Sam is/was Seth's stepfather, he is Lilith's ex-husband and Brandy's father. Lilith and Sam had a very volatile relationship, there was physical, mental and verbal abuse (at both of their hands) in addition Sam is ex-armed forces and has been diagnosed with PTSD, he saw three members of his unit killed in front of him during an attack in Afghanistan.

Seth and Sam have the weirdest relationship and I (of course) blame Lilith for most of this, I hate to seem like I am always harping on her but her actions really do lead to a whole load of issues for Seth that Adam and I are left dealing with while she flits around oblivious to the psychological and emotional damage we feel like she inflicts on Seth.

Lilith's dating history is pretty "colorful" if I am being generous. She has never been without a man for more then about 12 weeks to my knowledge, I am taking into account her break up with her high school boyfriend right before Adam, through her last break up after Sam and including her current boyfriend Deuce. Lilith moves quickly with her boyfriends, most of them have become her fiancées within 2 to 6 months of dating (I would love to get a look at her stockpile of engagement rings) she moves in with them quickly or allows them to move in with her. It is an ongoing cycle I have personally been witness to something like 7 times in the last 10 years. I believe that Sam is her longest relationship, lasting almost 5 years (if you don't count how she is still emotionally dependent on Adam) or the affair that she "wasn't" having during the last year of their marriage. Lilith's colorful dating history will have to be a future post.

Sam came into their relationship with two kids of his own and an ex-wife who is completely bat shit crazy and I do not use that term loosely, Lillian (seriously that is her name, Sam went from a Lillian to a Lilith) is the most undermining, PASing, vindictive, manipulative person I have ever met. She called DCFS saying that Seth was sexually abusing her son, twice. We had to enroll Seth in counseling and he was almost faced with juvenile charges but because Adam and I got involved during the second investigation and because Seth was just under the age of 7 we were able to avoid that because there was no concrete evidence, just Lillian's word against Seth's. Adam got into an argument with Lillian in the DCFS offices during one of the investigation meetings because it was obvious that she wasn't over her and Sam's divorce; Lillian had Sam and Lilith's first marriage annulled because they got married the day before her and Sam's divorce was officially stamped by the courts. Her third call to DCFS launched a full investigation and it was discovered that her brother was abusing her son but only because we had Seth for 3 weeks and we had plane tickets showing we were out of the state during the weekend in question.

Lillian was stalking Lilith for a while, I know this because we were living in the same neighborhood as Lilith and Sam and I kept seeing Lillian's car parked by my house (Lillian didn't know we were living there at the time) Lillian was parking her car and creeping around Lilith's house peeking in windows and stuff while Sam was working nights. After all the fighting, accusations and stalking Lillian had the audacity to try and befriend Adam and I during soccer, I know I am not always Lilith's biggest fan but the idea that Lillian would think I would want to chat and gossip with her after all she did to Sam, Lilith and Seth, is (much like Lillian herself) insane. I couldn't make up a character like this if I tried, if I could I would be a famous fiction writer instead of blogger writing about my real life. Did I mention Lillian is the one who split things off with Sam and was remarried during all of this? Her husband sat there passively while all this was going on, including the stalking, so I really don't know who is crazier and never wanted anything to do with either of them.

Because of Sam's PTSD and because of his personality he and I never got on very well. At first I was hoping he would be an ally in the whole step-parent, blended family thing but he and I couldn't be more opposite if we tried. He is rigid, as a lot of men and women in the armed forces are, he believes in corporal punishment, I made Adam include a paragraph in Seth's parenting plan that specified no one but himself and Lilith would ever hit Seth in any way. Sam was also a jock in high school, I wasn't, I was the girl in a General Hospital nightgown I got from the thrift store, ripped tights and Doc's with fire engine red hair. I was an art nerd, lost in books and music. My friends were the freaks, nerds and weirdos, not a lot has changed, only I am now wearing TOMS and my highlights are purple.

Sam, Lilith and I all grew up in the same hometown. Lilith is a few years younger then me but Sam and I are the same age. We didn't know each other in high school but I knew some of the people he hung out with and lets just say, we weren't friends, in fact some of them worked very hard to try to make my high school career a nightmare. Luckily for me, I am entirely too lazy to hold grudges.

Like too many veterans Sam is underemployed. He had the chance to go to college on a sports scholarship after high school but met Lillian and knocked her up. I sometimes feel fleetingly badly for him because he has made some poor choices and is now stuck with two babies mamas but his personality comes across as cocky and abrasive and I remember he made his bed and has to now lay in it.

While we never openly disagreed I often felt like Sam discarded everything I said. I also felt like he had an idea of who Adam was based on things that Lilith said to him that have no bearing on who Adam is today. Lilith doesn't seem to have an understanding that Adam is no longer the kid she once knew and that he no longer believes or is interested in the things he was when they were together. In Lilith's mind Adam has not grown up but that isn't the reality of the man I am married too, he isn't even the same person he was when we met.

During their relationship we were told a lot of things about Sam that make me cautious of him (that he is violent, unstable, abusive and an alcoholic) but since their divorce Sam and Lilith have become friendly again, Sam was instrumental in bailing Lilith out of jail when she was arrested on the DUI. I don't understand it, Lilith remains very emotionally dependent on her children's fathers and does the same thing with Adam to a level but with Sam and the history of domestic violence I have no idea why Lilith wouldn't want to have as little to do with him as possible but just the opposite, now that they are broken up she depends on him financially and emotionally even more. Lilith is even talking about putting Seth on the soccer team that Sam coaches again.

Lilith and Sam's divorce was messy and drama filled with each one of them fighting for sole physical and legal custody of Brandy. They went back and forth for months, Sam was ordered to pay a large amount in child support and shortly after the divorce and custody agreement was settled Sam and Lilith changed everything so that Sam now has 50/50, I don't know how much of this is because of Lilith's arrest, I really try to stay out of everything but I have no idea why they both fought so hard to keep the other one out of Brandy's life. In the end, she is the only one I feel bad for.

I Just Called...

Seth calls me a ridiculous amount of times everyday. During the week when he is with Adam and I, he calls me at least twice a day, remember I am home with Lulu so I don't know why he feels the need to call so much. He calls to tell me that he has gotten to school and then calls to tell me he is coming home (he walks to school, his school is around the corner from our house)

When Seth is with Lilith he calls me on average 6 times a day and I talk to him on average 4 times a day. He calls to say goodnight to Lulu and although we have said goodnight to him during that phone call he still calls again when he is going to bed. No joke, he called me yesterday while he was using the bathroom. He calls to tell me when he does chores and earned money. He calls to tell me when Lilith is acting weird, or when she is acting normal. He calls to tell me his plans for the weekend, the day, the afternoon. He calls to confirm when Adam and I will be picking him up, who will be picking him up and what time, those phone calls start about 2 hours after we drop him off on Friday night.

We buy him minutes on a prepaid cell phone, usually we buy them in 200 minute bundles and we buy them every 2 or 3 months. With the way he calls me alone he is using around 100 minutes a month, now throw in his calls to Adam (who he only calls about once or twice a day when he is with Lilith and hardly ever when he is home) there is where his minutes are going. What I don't understand is when you figure in his calls and text messages to friends and the rest, when is he talking to Lilith?

Lilith calls him usually twice a week on his phone, she hardly ever calls Adam and I anymore, she would prefer to pass messages through Seth although she does call Adam when she needs to lie about something. Occasionally Seth will use Skype to call Lilith but that is rare because Brandy is now with Sam every other week. On the weeks that Brandy isn't around it isn't uncommon for Lilith not to talk to Seth for 4 or 5 days.

I find this all very bizarre. I always encourage and support Seth in communicating with his mom but I don't know why he is so resistant. I also don't know why Lilith isn't more proactive in trying to communicate with Seth. I couldn't imagine not talking to him everyday, even when his multiple phone calls drive me batty.

Just another part of their relationship I don't understand. This is a screen shot of my actual call log from the last few days.

Let's go Lulu!

RachelLulu is potty training. Seth is at Lilith's for the weekend, with his usual barrage of 8-10 phone calls to Adam and myself every day while he is there. The difficulty is that in our modern day of smart phone apps, I am a slave to the "potty timer" and the toilet this weekend; I am spending every 10 minutes or so asking Lulu if she needs to go potty, taking Lulu to the bathroom and setting her on the toilet. Giving Lulu stickers for using the potty, reading Lulu potty board books, checking Baby Center's boards about potty training, reading the Mayo Center's website, What to Expect, Parenting.com, even Wikipedia, singing potty training songs to Lulu. Watching Lulu's every action for signs that she needs to use the bathroom.

Because I am using the "Potty Timer" I can't just turn my phone off and ignore the calls from Seth. I am wavering between annoyance at his constant calls and understanding his need to talk to us, he called this morning while Lilith was having a "spazz attack" and was screaming (nothing was going on that I know of, she was just screaming and yelling) at Seth, Brandy (Lilith's daughter with Sam) and her current boyfriend we call Deuce.

Potty training is the only thing that Lilith has done successfully in child-rearing that I haven't. Part of me wishes I could send Lulu with Seth and Lilith for the weekend until she is potty trained but I can't (and really I wouldn't) so here I am trying to potty train, spending ungodly amounts of time in the bathroom and trying to catch up on some writing for you guys in two minute bursts between trips to the bathroom and trips back out to the living room. It's going to be a long couple of days.

Spring Fresh Air/Break

What is it with Seth and showering on Spring Break? Every year it's a fight and since he has officially entered the status of preteen it's gotten worse this year because to say it bluntly, he stinks.

He stunk before but it was that dirt, wet dog and unbrushed teeth smell that little boys are so fond of, occasionally with the hint of dirty feet and chlorine.

This year he still has those traditional smells but has added the smell of body odor, moldy laundry and man fart to his bouquet. Basically he smells like straight up ass. His friends are showering as often as he is, so I don't think they can smell each other over the covers of sunscreen, Axe body spray, cigarette smoke (one of his friends parents and brother smoke inside their house) and fast food grease.

They are a disgusting bunch right now, none of them are allowed to sit on anything cloth inside my house. This is also one of the last Spring Breaks I will fight him to shower and brush his teeth (Summer will be fun too) he is growing up faster then I can even believe. It's like I blinked my eyes and 2 years passed, I took a nap and another 5 were gone, I took my eyes off him for one second and he started turning into a man.

He is a good kid and I love him, I am proud of who he is growing up to be and maybe when I am on my deathbed I will long for the smells of his youth, like I will long for the smells of my own.

But for now, does anyone know if I can Febreze a preteen?

Lies, Liars and Lying

Lilith lies.

Lilith lies about just about everything from what I've noticed. Lilith lies about big things, small petty things, she lies when we know the the truth or the truth is easily found out. She lies about things so she doesn't have to take responsibility for them, she lies about what she thinks people want to hear. She lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. She lies to herself and she lies so much I often wonder if she even knows she is lying anymore.

She lies to Adam constantly. It becomes difficult to know if anything in her world is ever real. I have had to come up with complex ways to find out the truth. Adam and I have a joke between ourselves "how do you know Lilith is lying? Her lips are moving" but in honesty it is hard to co-parent with someone who lies all the time.

Every single grandparent of hers has died at every single job she has ever had. She told us 4 times last year that she couldn't come get Seth because she was getting her car registered, then when she was arrested on the DUI one of the charges was expired tags. She lied to us for years about the abusive nature of her marriage to Sam. She lied about things Seth saw or heard while in her care. She lies now about her drinking.

She also white washed her and Adam's past together, which admittedly we all have a tendency to do and I don't expect her to tell Seth the true nature of her and Adam's relationship but to hear Seth talk about what his mom says, you would think that they had a wonderful relationship, still love each other deeply but just in a different way now and that Adam wanted to be with me, so they split up. I have been honest with Seth that his dad and mom were divorced before I came into the picture and that his mom was already living with someone else but I don't try to refute the rest of it. If it helps Seth to believe that his parents still love each other then fine, it doesn't change my place in this family. The truth is Adam and Lilith were very young when they met, Adam's parents were divorcing so he was in a but of a rebellious phase. Their relationship was, like all of Lilith's relationships, very volatile, they fought often, there was drinking and the such involved, there was infidelity and when Adam had enough he moved out and asked for a divorce.

Anyways. Lilith's ease at lying is a trait that I see Seth picking up and it really disturbs me. I know people lie, heck I lie, we all lie but for the most part I try to be an honest person and a real, genuine role model for Seth and Lulu. It bothers me to see and hear Seth lie like it is no big thing. I know part of it is his age, but also is watching his mother lie so easily about everything. It is a real problem for me, one without a clear answer.

Silent Fight

Lilith has had many relationships over the years and most of them have been wrought with drama and abuse. Drama seems at times to be what keeps Lilith going. She bounces from crises to crises, acting like what ever alarm she sounded last week just went unanswered as this weeks new drama unfolds.

Lilith has been through health scares, someone stealing her car, abusive relationships, legal trouble, moving, being evicted, family drama, changing jobs, being fired, a stalker, pregnancy, financial trouble, problems with friends, mechanical problems with her car, she has bought and gotten rid of more pets since I have known her then I could count on my fingers, and toes.

Lilith's relationships develop quickly, she falls in love quickly and throws her whole heart and self into her relationships. The problem that Adam and I have experienced with this is that Lilith has a knack for attracting some pretty whack guys. Now I really don't care who Lilith dates, it's not my business and not my heart to be broken but it sucks to watch her make the same mistakes time and time again. I want to grab her and shake her until she realizes that until she learns to be happy by herself, she will never be happy with someone else.

Adam's only concern is since Lilith's relationships move quickly, it means she introduces these guys to Seth quickly, they move in with her quickly, she encourages a relationship between these guys and Seth quickly. What happens when things go south just as quickly? Seth gets hurt, he becomes defensive of his mom, often wishing and scheming ways to cause physical harm to the guys that have hurt Lilith. It rocks Seth's world and we spend weeks trying to resume normal. We cling to schedules, routines, boundaries and rules because during these times we know how important it is for our house to be a stable safe haven for Seth.

Because of the abuse that Seth has seen Lilith experience (that Adam and I were often unaware of or not made aware of until very recently) he is very sensitive to any disagreements between Adam and myself. We actually have had to learn how to fight without any yelling, screaming, slamming or crying. We had to learn this because Seth would freak out if we expressed any anger or frustration at each other in front of him. We have worked hard to reassure Seth that people can disagree and it doesn't have to become violent or abusive but there is no erasing the things that he has seen. Just a hope that Adam and I can be a model of what a normal relationship can look like.

Now excuse me, I have to go text message Adam a stink eye because he left the toilet seat up for the millionth time.

The Facebook Fraud

If you were to visit Lilith's Facebook page two things might become apparent. One if you don't actually go looking for him you wouldn't know that she is Seth's mother. She has almost no pictures of him and rarely ever posts about him. The other would be that on the rare occasion that she does post about Seth she takes credit for all the positive activities in his life.

Now Facebook isn't a real representation of any of us. It is only what we want and allow people to see. Sometimes it is surprising the things that people will allow you to see about themselves on Facebook, I saw someone post that they pulled a broken tooth out of their mouth with a pair of needle nosed pliers, that seemed gross, since they didn't manage to get the roots of the tooth out and it also seemed like a complete over share to me but I chose to keep my oral hygiene private for the most part. I also don't post pictures of rashes, abscesses, cysts, pimples or discharge of any kind. Call me old fashioned.

I don't post pictures of myself drinking or drunk. I don't post pictures of myself that could be interpreted as distasteful or controversial. I work very hard to keep my public internet image as something I feel is authentic and something I can be proud of. I am aware that the things I post publicly (and even "privately") don't ever go away and that in theory silly, thoughtless, things I may post today could effect my future. That doesn't stop me from posting random humor and posting about things that I believe in whether political or faith based. I am just careful to think before I post but I also try to live an authentic life that I am not ashamed of people knowing.

I stopped caring a long time ago what Lilith may think about my Facebook profile. I believe that strong fences make good neighbors and because of that I have Lilith blocked from seeing my Facebook account directly. I really don't care about Lilith's Facebook profile, I don't spy on her or use it to check up on her, in fact I rarely ever have any reason to remember that Lilith has an online presence. The only reason I ever run across Lilith online is because Seth got an iPad last year. Part of the agreement allowing Seth to have an iPad was that Adam, Lilith and I would have access to his accounts, passwords and devices at any time.

When Seth is at our house I am mainly the one monitoring his Internet usage. I check his call logs and text messages on his phone, his video game accounts on his PS3, DS and the household Wii. I also I check his email account, browser history, Facebook account and other apps on his iPad and on the home computers. Seth is not allowed to be friends with people we don't know in real life on Facebook, he is friends with family members, family friends, a couple of neighbors and a handful of friends from school and sports. Mostly he uses his Facebook to play all the various "Ville" games; FarmVille, PetVille, CastleVille, CityVille, FishVille. I swear if they made "CleanYourBedroomVille" or a "DoYourHomeworkVille" or a "TakeAShowerVille" he would play those even though we fight almost daily to get him to do those things in real life.

Adam and I have been considering altering our guest WiFi password so it would change every day, so Seth can't get online until his homework and chores are completed. It has been a series of trial and error for me this weekend to attempt to set this up and I am still not sure it is going to work. While working on trying this I needed to get on Seth's iPad, amongst other devices. Seth is at Lilith's and we don't always allow him to take his iPad back and forth with him. Adam and I believe that since Seth has such limited time with Lilith currently we don't want his iPad to be a further distraction and point of contention between them.

So I have been back and forth all morning from my laptop, to the household desktop, to Adam's iPhone, to Seth's iPad, checking the Wii and the PS3, checking my phone and back down the list again. In a few minutes of frustration at things not going as easily as I wanted them too, I decided to check up on Seth's Facebook since I was already on his iPad. I hadn't looked at his account in a while, I saw that I needed to hide one of Adam's stepbrothers and one of Seth's cousins out of his newsfeed because they have been posting things Adam and I both feel are inappropriate for Seth to be seeing at his age (provocative pictures of women and their breasts, suggestive pictures of drugs and alcohol, and argumentative, politicized, glorified pictures of guns) I deleted a message Seth received from some beautiful woman in Russia who "wants to be friends" and invited Seth to check out some of her pictures on her website (I also report things like this) and I blocked the account. I scrolled through the many pictures of kittens that Seth's maternal grandmother posts, hid a few political stories, a couple of drunken pictures and then ran into a couple of posts from Lilith.

Now I would love to act like I just scrolled by and didn't care what she had written but I would be lying to you and myself if I didn't admit my curiosity was piqued. I clicked onto Lilith's page where I saw nothing of concern or even gossip. I did however see an overwhelming amount pictures of Seth's sister Leah. Pictures of Leah sleeping, Leah making goofy faces, Leah playing dress up, Leah getting ready for bed, Leah sitting on the couch, Leah at Christmas, Leah getting her haircut, Leah playing with friends. There were status updates about missing Leah, hanging out with Leah, cuddling with Leah and Leah being sick. I saw one blurry picture of Seth from a few weeks ago when Lilith had taken him ice skating.

Now maybe you are thinking that this lack of Seth's presence has to do with Adam having primary placement and Lilith only having visitation on the weekends but Lilith doesn't have primary placement of Leah either, currently Lilith has 50/50 joint custody of Leah with her ex-husband, Sam. As for The situation that caused Adam to have primary placement; that happened just a few weeks ago, until that point Lilith shared 50/50 custody of Seth with Adam.

So then I noticed Seth mentioned in her last status update, which was about Leah. Lilith's maternal grandmother asked how Seth was doing in school. Lilith replied how she keeps him involved in various athletic activities, how Seth is getting so tall and school is good.

On the surface this is all fine and mostly true. Seth is doing very well in school since the custody change, he also has an amazing teacher this year who has sparked a love of learning and writing in him. I love to get to read his stories, Seth is an amazing storyteller. Seth is getting tall, he is almost as tall as me and soon I will be wearing his hand-me downs. Seth is very, very athletic and has been involved in sports since he was young. Adam was never a "team sports" athlete but is very physically active, he has had Seth riding a bike, climbing a rope or rock and hiking a trail for as long as I can remember.

When Lilith married Sam he got Seth involved in baseball, when Seth expressed an interest in football Adam talked with Lilith before he signed him up. When Seth decided football wasn't his thing and he wanted to play basketball Adam became a coach on his team, even though he had never played more then a scrimmage with friends himself. When Sam was around he was involved in helping Seth play baseball, he coached his team a couple of times over the years, he would bring Seth to some of the practices and some of the games. Sam helped purchase some of the needed equipment or gave Seth some of his old equipment and helped pay for some of the enrollment costs. Adam has always been the main parent to make sure that Seth got to all the practices, even when Lilith and Sam signed Seth up for weekly private coaching in addition to regular weekly baseball practice and twice weekly games, without consulting Adam. Adam has always contributed financially to Seth playing sports, but more then that, Adam has always taken the time to drive Seth to practices, coaching, games, wherever Seth needed to be, Adam has always made sure he was there.

I was frustrated at Lilith's comment that she has always had Seth involved in sports because if there is one person in this whole equation that was the least involved, it was Lilith. Sure she shows up to some of the games with her "team mom" shirt on and yells and cheers for Seth but she has never driven him to a practice, she has never bought him a pair of cleats or basketball shoes, she has never paid for anything. She hasn't even once ever brought the team snack. Those things fall to those of us behind the scenes, while she claims the public glory on Facebook, when she even admits she has a son that is.

Wildfire

I am a firecracker. I get upset easily but I also let it go pretty easily. I get it from my dad who is the same way. I shoot off, make a big explosion and then burn out. As I am getting older I am getting better about not making as big of a scene, I guess I am turning into a sparkler.

Adam is a campfire. It takes a while to get him upset but once he is he can smolder long after the fire appears to be out. If you throw something else on those embers he might flare up but he is pretty contained.

Seth is a wildfire right now. We don't often know what sets him off and just when we think we might have his anger contained it jumps the fire line and threatens to destroy someone's house. Also his anger seems to be influenced by the direction of the wind as much as anything else. It is a constant battle right now to try to keep things under control.

The problem is that true anger is often expressed when someone feels safe enough to show it. We take things out on the people we love the most. For Seth this means that there has been an incredible amount of anger expressed in my house lately. There has been fighting, there has been pouting, he has shut down mid conversation, he has exploded all over his mom on the phone and thrown straight up hissy fits. I have wondered lately if I am going to be forced to try to pick him up and carry him to compliance like I did when he was three. I am not sure how I will accomplish that because I am not sure I could physically pick him up anymore.

Seth is angry mainly because of a series of bad choices by his mom. Just when we thought Lilith couldn't make another poor decision she surprised us all and hit another low. To speak frankly Lilith has a substance abuse problem. It was an arrest because of this problem that forced us into overnight custody.

I have sympathy for the Lilith, I know she does genuinely love Seth but as anyone who is familiar with the 12 steps knows, when someone is in the middle of their addiction they aren't making good choices, their sickness dictates everything. They are selfish, manipulating liars, who will always choose their addiction over others if not treated. Occasionally you can force someone's rock bottom through an intervention but it would be inappropriate for Adam and I to be involved in hers. That is a job for Lilith's family and friends. We hoped that some of the events of the summer would raise her awareness of her actions but unfortunately they haven't.

To protect Seth both physically and emotionally we allowed him to be with us as much as possible. Lilith would often forego her custodial time and allow him to be with us while she was out. Since legally we had/have no standing to withhold visitation we had to let Seth go with his mom, even when we worried. Emergency actions were taken but as we had no legal proof (proving that someone is an unfit parent is extremely difficult, if MTV had not been taping, Amber Portwood would probably not ever been shown to be unfit) because we lacked the legal proof that Seth was in danger or that Lilith was unfit we had no choice but to wait for something to happen and hope that when it finally did that it wouldn't be at the cost of physical harm to Seth.

The Department of Child and Family Services were even involved over the summer but because Lilith was able to pass a drug and alcohol screening no action was taken even though Seth himself expressed his concern to the social worker. It was incredibly frustrating and heart breaking. It was an unbelievably stressful summer.

After Lilith's arrest we had to take custody because she had no way to provide for his education. Educational neglect was something we weren't willing to allow Seth to suffer as well. So here we are, living everyday with a wildfire.