Friend,
You left us too soon and we are left with more questions then we will ever have answers. I am sorry that you didn't feel like you could come to me, Adam or anyone else, that you felt so alone, that you were hurting so badly that you felt like you had no other options. I wish you would have said something to me when I talked to you that last time. I would have done everything in my power to help you.
I don't know if you are even aware of the pain you left behind. I watched your mother cry at your funeral, as a new mother myself seeing those baby pictures of you, knowing the hopes, dreams and love she had for you. It was almost suffocating to bear witness to her grief. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. To see your siblings cry, to watch their pain so raw and unguarded. It felt obscene to watch but as we were all gathered together to remember you, I was a part of it. Adam came to your funeral, which should tell you how much you meant to him as a friend. I have watched Adam repress his grief about your death for months now.
To see your friends grieve, too see so many lives that you touched. You wouldn't have been able to say that no one cared. I don't know why you felt so alone and so desperate. Your choice of actions caused hurt on top of pain. You left questions that no one can ever answer, you left a scar on the collective psyche of those that loved you. While I understand that you were hurting and I don't want to seem like I don't care, you have to know that your actions were incredibly selfish. You involved and hurt innocent people while carrying out your final actions.
You left your spouse a shell of person, I watched and cried as I saw them hurt for so long until they physically gave up, became sick and finally passed because the thought of living without you caused them so much pain that they stopped fighting to live. Have you ever watched someone die from a broken heart? I have seen it two other times, both in elderly couples who passed within months of each other. To watch my young, vibrant friend go through that was incredibly painful. I tried to offer help, to find grief counselors, to be there and take care of them like you asked me too in your final message. If only I had recognized that you were saying goodbye in time.
I hope that have found the peace that you were so desperately looking for. I am sorry that you couldn't find it here on earth, I am sorry that some of us didn't even know you were hurting so badly. I hope you found your love and that you are able to find peace. I am sorry that you couldn't find anything to continue to fight and live for. It is such a different tragedy when someone is taken from us too early and when someone choses to leave us early.
You were a good friend, I think about all the time we sat together talking about life, talking about things of deepness and meaning. I think about all the times we sat and talked about nothing. The times that we laughed, the advice that was given, the quiet moments. I think about the times we watched you preform, about the talent you had and how that is all that will live on now that you are gone.
Goodbye my friends. I will miss you
If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideations there is help out there.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/
If you have lived through the suicide of a loved one or friend, you aren't alone and there is help and support for you as well.
http://www.allianceofhope.org/
Local support groups by state:
http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-support-group-directory
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