I am speaking of course about RachelLulu.
My decision to not lead off with her was rooted in my desire to not be labeled a "mommy blogger" in any way. Also since my blog mainly focuses on my life in our custody situation, I never want to lose focus on that. There are a million mommy bloggers and I have nothing against them, it's just that there aren't a lot of stepmothers blogging openly about their lives and I hope to help even one person because I know I felt so alone when I came into this life.
Adam and I were married for 5 years, together for 7 when I found out I was pregnant. I had lived as a childless stepmom up until that point. I define this because it is a subset in the step parenting world that brings its own confusion, complications and condemnation. As I have been fortunate enough to be a part of a dynamic group of other childless stepmothers, I can share the main differences that a childless stepmother may go through versus a woman who is already a mother who becomes a step parent. If you don't have your own kids coming into the step parenting world the most often refrain you will hear is that you can't possibly understand why your significant other or the biological parent does certain things because you are not a mother. I think this is an unfair position, it's unfair because while becoming a mother did change my life the only thing it changed in my life as a stepmother was to make me realize that my feelings towards Seth were correct and that I was doing the right things by him with my decisions. But I have heard the "you're not a mother, you wouldn't understand" from countless sources over the last 10 years; Adam (once, he never made that mistake again) Lilith (anytime I pointed out that she was being a hypocrite, so exactly 3 times in 10 years) Sam (cause I gave a rats ass about what he thought) other of Lilith's boy toys, a couple of her friends (again with the not caring, sorry your dating a convicted pedophile, your opinion doesn't matter) Lilith's sister (who has since apologized after becoming a mother herself and realizing how selfish Lilith can be) well meaning friends who don't know our situation fully or spoke without thinking; Seth's preschool, kindergarten and second grade teachers, someone at the grocery store who had no idea about our situation at all but said I would never understand until I became a mother and people I went to church with 15 years ago who need to mind their own damn business and wonder why I don't go to church or talk to them anymore.
Some of the women I know are happily child-free, they do not want biological children, they are content with their lives and are happy with their choices. They just happened to meet and fall in love with a man who has kids. They often love their step children deeply but struggle because of their desires not to be a parent and finding themselves thrown into a parenting role when they may not have been prepared. It can cause resentment, it's maybe not "right" but it is honest and being honest with ourselves is the most important thing. Some people don't want to have kids and there is nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with them and I admire them for knowing what they want.
There are also women who do want children but are unable too because of infertility or other reasons. Some women desperately want a child of their own but maybe met a man who had a vasectomy after the birth of his children. Reversal is possible but expensive and not a guarantee. Again, they met a man with children and fell in love. For some of these women the sword is double edged because since they do want to be mothers they hope and strive for a good relationship with their stepchildren, not knowing what an emotional minefield they have gotten themselves into.
I fell into a group between these two, we call ourselves fence sitters. I always loved children but never felt that desperate ache to become a mother. When Adam and I learned that I was "sub-fertile" I didn't have the desire to pursue costly fertility treatments for something I wasn't sure I wanted passionately. Our fertility path wasn't easy and loses made me feel like I didn't want to get my hopes up for something that may never happen. I was scared. So I was the queen fence sitter. I wasn't "childless" but I wasn't "childfree" I didn't feel a tug inside me either direction.
It was to my great surprise then when I did become pregnant. Adam was supportive and excited. Seth was over the moon. I was cautiously happy and honestly scared out of my mind. Because of my involvement in the step parenting world, I have seen so many relationships fall apart when kids became a part of them, or at least that is what I interpreted things to be. I didn't want to mess up the life Adam and I had, things were good, we were happy, Seth was getting older and more independent.
My pregnancy was normal and I will save you from the details of the birth other then to say that I didn't know I could love someone so instantly. My relationship with Seth has grown over the last 10 years. I do believe that I love him as a parent loves their child and having Rachel has confirmed that for me. But I imagine my relationship with Seth is more how an adoptive parent feels then the instantaneous love that a mother feels for her child.
It's funny because Rachel is now older then Seth was when I met him, so I can compare the kinds of children they are and she is so much like her brother. She adores Seth and he adores Rachel. They may be around 10 years apart but there is no questioning their love for one another.
I get asked if Rachel is my first and I answer yes but it feels false because I have been around and through so much with Seth but Rachel is my first (and probably only) biological child. I can't discount all I have learned raising Seth and I know I am a better parent for it, but with Rachel, Adam and I don't have to share. Lilith's opinions don't matter. We never have to worry about her or check with her before we do something. Nothing is going to mess up our time with her and while I wouldn't be honest if I said that Lilith doesn't influence things with Rachel at all because Lilith's drama often effects our entire household, so of course Rachel is impacted by the decisions, often poor decisions that Lilith makes. This is an area of my life that Lilith isn't a part of and it is amazing.
So here I am a first time mother but a second time parent. And now you know a little more about RachelLulu.
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