What to Expect When Your Expecting or Not

Please excuse my cold medicine induced hysteric's and delusions. This was written before I got sick but I can't promise that I was able to check it over with my usual editorial eye.

These first few entries I have tried to get you caught up with who we are as a family, a blended family and more, even a little bit of who we are as people. I have a ways to go in our story and a few family members to introduce. I hope by now that I have managed to express that I do not hate or have negative feelings about Lilith, Adam's ex-wife and Seth's biological mother. As I am hoping to have some guest bloggers show in the next few weeks, blended families are hard even when everyone involved is focused on the best interest of the children. At the best you get the "bonus moms" situation? where everyone has a role and respects each others role The other end involves court orders, PAS, custodial kidnapping, extended family interference, expensive court battles, mud slinging, hurt feelings for adults and so much worst for the children involved and restraining orders. We are much closer to the bonus moms in the middle.

Enough rambling on to this weeks blog!


When Seth was 5 Adam and I, found out that Lilith was pregnant again. I was scared and upset.

I was scared because pregnant women are nuts. They cry, they are super uber sensitive, they have cravings they just have to give into, their emotions and feelings are all over the place to extremes. They can be laughing to crying to laughing so hard they need to pee themselves. I had been around 6 or 8 pregnant women by now, a couple of friends and family members, I wasn't just going off what I had seen on tv or movies. Imagining Lilith, who exhibits some these symptoms all the time normally, pregnant was terrifying. It would be like finding out Godzilla was pregnant with King Kong's baby or more accurately finding out Satan was worshiping Anton LeVey. It seemed like bad on top of bad to me.

Adam on the other hand wasn't as worried or distressed and reassured me, that for some reason, the only time Lilith seems completely sane and normal is while she is pregnant. During her pregnancy with Seth, Adam has shared, was the only time during their entire relationship that wasn't marked by constant fighting or constant drama.

I was upset because Adam and I had already begun to experience what we would discover would be my fertility issues. I was sad, I was frustrated that Lilith was pregnant so easily again, with Sam, someone she had known for less then a year. It felt extremely unfair in the karmic sense that Lilith was pregnant again when she wasn't always a good or attentive parent to Seth. How on earth would she have the time and attention to have two kids? I was sad because I worried I would never get to have a child who was "mine" I loved Seth with all of my heart but maybe it isn't the same or maybe I would never get to have a real family with Adam. Even though I kept telling myself that family is what you make it. I really did believe that if Seth was all my life was blessed with child-wise then I was lucky because Lilith was gracious in allowing me to be a part of Seth's life. She never played games in that area and I am forever grateful for her about that.

Adam was correct about Lilith's behavior while she is pregnant. Maybe it is because she has taken being pregnant seriously and never smoked or drank once she found out she was pregnant. Maybe it is something about the pregnancy hormones that balances something out in her brain but she was so great pregnant. She was reasonable, she didn't cross boundaries or act inappropriate in her conversations with Adam or Seth (I sometimes wonder if she has forgotten that she is taking to her ex husband and son, not her best friends when she over shares details of her life with them) Lilith was even warm and attentive to Seth. Things were really good.

Then she gave birth to Leah and within 3 months of that, things were crazy, if not crazier again.

In The Beginning

I was free and unattached when I met him. Adam was attractive, smart, funny and he came as a package deal with a young son. I have always known that one came with the other and as a young idealistic woman, I couldn't have foreseen what my life would become by those early decisions.

Adam did not have a lot of baggage. His divorce from Lilith was amicable. His heart was free and he freely gave it to me as I gave mine to him. Seth was young it was easy to fall in love with him, I can still vividly remember the night, the moments even that Seth and I bonded. It started with a simple act of scratching his back. My choice to love my boys seemed easy in comparison to the challenges brought on by step life.

I have never doubted my decisions or my place in this family but it hasn't all been easy. While Adam's divorce from Lilith was amicable, she herself has tested our patience, often causing a lot of drama and disruption. While everyone has often sincerely worked for what is best for Seth, when someone else's decisions (both positive and negative) override your decisions in your own home, it can be a challenge.

I have no hatred of Lilith, while it will often seem like I am frustrated by her choices and actions, I have no desire for her not to be a part of Seth's life. In fact it is quite the opposite, I truly believe that Seth would only flourish and thrive with loving and attentive parents and partners in his life. Whether you agree or not, I am a parent in Seth's life, he can't remember a time when I haven't been in his life. We have supported Lilith's partners and have asked that Seth respect them as he does to the rest of us. This is the truth of many modern blended families. Lilith and I are friendly, we can make small talk and sit by each other while supporting Seth in his endeavors. I have been blessed that Lilith has always been supportive of my position in his life. She does not undercut my authority or play mental games with Seth in regards to Adam and myself.

In those early days my husband had every weekend visitation, Seth is one of the most important things in Adam's life and the desire to have more time with him, along with trying to support Lilith in a difficult time, lead to us eventually change custody to 50/50 week on, week off. This has always been our ideal, of course if we were perfectly honest we would have to admit that having Seth 100% would be ok with us. But 100% is not ideal, it is selfish for a variety of reasons; we want Seth to have a happy, healthy relationship with his mom and not allowing and encouraging this would be unfair to both of them. 50/50 worked for years, although we were worried about what we saw as a possible approaching storm of Seth hitting puberty and the unfortunate truth that Lilith has never been an authoritative parent or a stable person. She has a history of making self centered choices that have caused problems for our household and caused Seth pain. All of this came to a head when another poor decision of hers forced our hand and we had no choice but to become custodial overnight. Lilith now has every weekend visitation.

I don't want to seem defensive or rant-y about Lilith but by being honest about how her decisions have affected all of us, I am hoping to find clarity and maybe help someone else who might be new in dealing with a situation like ours.