It Gets Better?

I love Seth, I love Seth, I love Seth. I have loved Seth since he was very young. I am not going to fool you that it was love at first sight or anything like that. Seth was a difficult baby, it took a while for him to warm up to me and for me to warm up to him if I am being honest. There were some fights that I am not proud of that happened when he was 4 or 5, where he and I would just yell at each other in the middle of the night because he wanted to sleep in bed with me and Adam and I wanted him to sleep in his own bed. It took a while but now I can honestly say that I couldn't love Seth more even if I had given birth to him. He is 100% my kid, he is Adam and Lilith's child, loves them both very much and they love him but I am firm believer that the more you divide love the more it multiples. Since I have been around since Seth was so young I am just a third parent in his life, after I had Lulu I realized that I did in fact love him the same as I loved her. With Lulu I had 9 months to adjust to her and then 3 hormone driven months where I fell madly in love with her. With Seth I didn't have that, our love grew over the last 10 years, it hasn't always been easy but it is true. 

So with saying that can I now admit that sometimes I don't like Seth right now? Remember I said he was a difficult toddler? I have this theory about teenagers and toddlers basically being the same mentally. They are learning that they are independent people, testing their boundaries, discovering themselves, growing at such fast rates, eating constantly and throwing fits when they don't get what they want. 

We have hit puberty with Seth and while it has just started, I can already see a few difficult years ahead of us. Sometimes he is still the sweet kid I adore and other times he is an overgrown version of his toddler self. Teenage boys are difficult. Thy are inconsiderate, smelly, self absorbed, selfish, messy creatures that will attempt to eat you out of house and home. Their immature sense of humor is all that keeps me from waging war on them as a species. 

Not that preteen/teen girls are better, it's just that I was a teenage girl so I understand what's going on in their brains whereas I have no clue about the inner workings of teenage boys. They strut around like peacocks and think they know it all. They are never wrong and it is always an excuse when something happens. 

It gets better right? I will survive the next 5 years until Seth turns 17 an regains some use of his brain right?

Sam

Refresher for everyone: Sam is/was Seth's stepfather, he is Lilith's ex-husband and Brandy's father. Lilith and Sam had a very volatile relationship, there was physical, mental and verbal abuse (at both of their hands) in addition Sam is ex-armed forces and has been diagnosed with PTSD, he saw three members of his unit killed in front of him during an attack in Afghanistan.

Seth and Sam have the weirdest relationship and I (of course) blame Lilith for most of this, I hate to seem like I am always harping on her but her actions really do lead to a whole load of issues for Seth that Adam and I are left dealing with while she flits around oblivious to the psychological and emotional damage we feel like she inflicts on Seth.

Lilith's dating history is pretty "colorful" if I am being generous. She has never been without a man for more then about 12 weeks to my knowledge, I am taking into account her break up with her high school boyfriend right before Adam, through her last break up after Sam and including her current boyfriend Deuce. Lilith moves quickly with her boyfriends, most of them have become her fiancées within 2 to 6 months of dating (I would love to get a look at her stockpile of engagement rings) she moves in with them quickly or allows them to move in with her. It is an ongoing cycle I have personally been witness to something like 7 times in the last 10 years. I believe that Sam is her longest relationship, lasting almost 5 years (if you don't count how she is still emotionally dependent on Adam) or the affair that she "wasn't" having during the last year of their marriage. Lilith's colorful dating history will have to be a future post.

Sam came into their relationship with two kids of his own and an ex-wife who is completely bat shit crazy and I do not use that term loosely, Lillian (seriously that is her name, Sam went from a Lillian to a Lilith) is the most undermining, PASing, vindictive, manipulative person I have ever met. She called DCFS saying that Seth was sexually abusing her son, twice. We had to enroll Seth in counseling and he was almost faced with juvenile charges but because Adam and I got involved during the second investigation and because Seth was just under the age of 7 we were able to avoid that because there was no concrete evidence, just Lillian's word against Seth's. Adam got into an argument with Lillian in the DCFS offices during one of the investigation meetings because it was obvious that she wasn't over her and Sam's divorce; Lillian had Sam and Lilith's first marriage annulled because they got married the day before her and Sam's divorce was officially stamped by the courts. Her third call to DCFS launched a full investigation and it was discovered that her brother was abusing her son but only because we had Seth for 3 weeks and we had plane tickets showing we were out of the state during the weekend in question.

Lillian was stalking Lilith for a while, I know this because we were living in the same neighborhood as Lilith and Sam and I kept seeing Lillian's car parked by my house (Lillian didn't know we were living there at the time) Lillian was parking her car and creeping around Lilith's house peeking in windows and stuff while Sam was working nights. After all the fighting, accusations and stalking Lillian had the audacity to try and befriend Adam and I during soccer, I know I am not always Lilith's biggest fan but the idea that Lillian would think I would want to chat and gossip with her after all she did to Sam, Lilith and Seth, is (much like Lillian herself) insane. I couldn't make up a character like this if I tried, if I could I would be a famous fiction writer instead of blogger writing about my real life. Did I mention Lillian is the one who split things off with Sam and was remarried during all of this? Her husband sat there passively while all this was going on, including the stalking, so I really don't know who is crazier and never wanted anything to do with either of them.

Because of Sam's PTSD and because of his personality he and I never got on very well. At first I was hoping he would be an ally in the whole step-parent, blended family thing but he and I couldn't be more opposite if we tried. He is rigid, as a lot of men and women in the armed forces are, he believes in corporal punishment, I made Adam include a paragraph in Seth's parenting plan that specified no one but himself and Lilith would ever hit Seth in any way. Sam was also a jock in high school, I wasn't, I was the girl in a General Hospital nightgown I got from the thrift store, ripped tights and Doc's with fire engine red hair. I was an art nerd, lost in books and music. My friends were the freaks, nerds and weirdos, not a lot has changed, only I am now wearing TOMS and my highlights are purple.

Sam, Lilith and I all grew up in the same hometown. Lilith is a few years younger then me but Sam and I are the same age. We didn't know each other in high school but I knew some of the people he hung out with and lets just say, we weren't friends, in fact some of them worked very hard to try to make my high school career a nightmare. Luckily for me, I am entirely too lazy to hold grudges.

Like too many veterans Sam is underemployed. He had the chance to go to college on a sports scholarship after high school but met Lillian and knocked her up. I sometimes feel fleetingly badly for him because he has made some poor choices and is now stuck with two babies mamas but his personality comes across as cocky and abrasive and I remember he made his bed and has to now lay in it.

While we never openly disagreed I often felt like Sam discarded everything I said. I also felt like he had an idea of who Adam was based on things that Lilith said to him that have no bearing on who Adam is today. Lilith doesn't seem to have an understanding that Adam is no longer the kid she once knew and that he no longer believes or is interested in the things he was when they were together. In Lilith's mind Adam has not grown up but that isn't the reality of the man I am married too, he isn't even the same person he was when we met.

During their relationship we were told a lot of things about Sam that make me cautious of him (that he is violent, unstable, abusive and an alcoholic) but since their divorce Sam and Lilith have become friendly again, Sam was instrumental in bailing Lilith out of jail when she was arrested on the DUI. I don't understand it, Lilith remains very emotionally dependent on her children's fathers and does the same thing with Adam to a level but with Sam and the history of domestic violence I have no idea why Lilith wouldn't want to have as little to do with him as possible but just the opposite, now that they are broken up she depends on him financially and emotionally even more. Lilith is even talking about putting Seth on the soccer team that Sam coaches again.

Lilith and Sam's divorce was messy and drama filled with each one of them fighting for sole physical and legal custody of Brandy. They went back and forth for months, Sam was ordered to pay a large amount in child support and shortly after the divorce and custody agreement was settled Sam and Lilith changed everything so that Sam now has 50/50, I don't know how much of this is because of Lilith's arrest, I really try to stay out of everything but I have no idea why they both fought so hard to keep the other one out of Brandy's life. In the end, she is the only one I feel bad for.

Home Sweet Home

My house may not be big, my furniture may mostly be second hand and refinished, it's not always perfectly clean and sometimes I let the kids watch too much tv. We may not live in an über desirable neighborhood but I like my house, it's my home. It where I am raising my kids and forming memories. I know my neighbors, they know our dog. Seth has friends and a place in the social order of our community.

Adam was away on a business trip and didn't get home until today. Seth was with Lilith for the weekend. So it was just Lulu and me. It was fun we did momma and Lulu pedicures. I wanted to go shopping, she wanted to run around naked watching old Disney cartoons, we compromised by me shopping online and she wore a diaper.

Seth called quite a bit again this weekend, his biggest news was that Lilith was moving. She and Deuce got a place together so she is going to move immediately. I am not shocked, surprised or anything but grateful that her new place is closer to ours and that I don't work for any management company that she rents from because I don't know that she has ever finished out a lease.

So tonight Adam is home, laying next to me gently snoring. Seth is asleep in his bed a tangle of arms and legs and too many blankets on a bed. Lulu is asleep gently cuddling the blanket my mom made for her. And I am laying here, typing this out quickly before exhaustion of sleeping alone catches up to me. I couldn't ever be happier then when everyone is here, happy and healthy.

It may not be a lot but to me, it's everything, it's the only thing that matters.

I Just Called...

Seth calls me a ridiculous amount of times everyday. During the week when he is with Adam and I, he calls me at least twice a day, remember I am home with Lulu so I don't know why he feels the need to call so much. He calls to tell me that he has gotten to school and then calls to tell me he is coming home (he walks to school, his school is around the corner from our house)

When Seth is with Lilith he calls me on average 6 times a day and I talk to him on average 4 times a day. He calls to say goodnight to Lulu and although we have said goodnight to him during that phone call he still calls again when he is going to bed. No joke, he called me yesterday while he was using the bathroom. He calls to tell me when he does chores and earned money. He calls to tell me when Lilith is acting weird, or when she is acting normal. He calls to tell me his plans for the weekend, the day, the afternoon. He calls to confirm when Adam and I will be picking him up, who will be picking him up and what time, those phone calls start about 2 hours after we drop him off on Friday night.

We buy him minutes on a prepaid cell phone, usually we buy them in 200 minute bundles and we buy them every 2 or 3 months. With the way he calls me alone he is using around 100 minutes a month, now throw in his calls to Adam (who he only calls about once or twice a day when he is with Lilith and hardly ever when he is home) there is where his minutes are going. What I don't understand is when you figure in his calls and text messages to friends and the rest, when is he talking to Lilith?

Lilith calls him usually twice a week on his phone, she hardly ever calls Adam and I anymore, she would prefer to pass messages through Seth although she does call Adam when she needs to lie about something. Occasionally Seth will use Skype to call Lilith but that is rare because Brandy is now with Sam every other week. On the weeks that Brandy isn't around it isn't uncommon for Lilith not to talk to Seth for 4 or 5 days.

I find this all very bizarre. I always encourage and support Seth in communicating with his mom but I don't know why he is so resistant. I also don't know why Lilith isn't more proactive in trying to communicate with Seth. I couldn't imagine not talking to him everyday, even when his multiple phone calls drive me batty.

Just another part of their relationship I don't understand. This is a screen shot of my actual call log from the last few days.

Let's go Lulu!

RachelLulu is potty training. Seth is at Lilith's for the weekend, with his usual barrage of 8-10 phone calls to Adam and myself every day while he is there. The difficulty is that in our modern day of smart phone apps, I am a slave to the "potty timer" and the toilet this weekend; I am spending every 10 minutes or so asking Lulu if she needs to go potty, taking Lulu to the bathroom and setting her on the toilet. Giving Lulu stickers for using the potty, reading Lulu potty board books, checking Baby Center's boards about potty training, reading the Mayo Center's website, What to Expect, Parenting.com, even Wikipedia, singing potty training songs to Lulu. Watching Lulu's every action for signs that she needs to use the bathroom.

Because I am using the "Potty Timer" I can't just turn my phone off and ignore the calls from Seth. I am wavering between annoyance at his constant calls and understanding his need to talk to us, he called this morning while Lilith was having a "spazz attack" and was screaming (nothing was going on that I know of, she was just screaming and yelling) at Seth, Brandy (Lilith's daughter with Sam) and her current boyfriend we call Deuce.

Potty training is the only thing that Lilith has done successfully in child-rearing that I haven't. Part of me wishes I could send Lulu with Seth and Lilith for the weekend until she is potty trained but I can't (and really I wouldn't) so here I am trying to potty train, spending ungodly amounts of time in the bathroom and trying to catch up on some writing for you guys in two minute bursts between trips to the bathroom and trips back out to the living room. It's going to be a long couple of days.

Spring Fresh Air/Break

What is it with Seth and showering on Spring Break? Every year it's a fight and since he has officially entered the status of preteen it's gotten worse this year because to say it bluntly, he stinks.

He stunk before but it was that dirt, wet dog and unbrushed teeth smell that little boys are so fond of, occasionally with the hint of dirty feet and chlorine.

This year he still has those traditional smells but has added the smell of body odor, moldy laundry and man fart to his bouquet. Basically he smells like straight up ass. His friends are showering as often as he is, so I don't think they can smell each other over the covers of sunscreen, Axe body spray, cigarette smoke (one of his friends parents and brother smoke inside their house) and fast food grease.

They are a disgusting bunch right now, none of them are allowed to sit on anything cloth inside my house. This is also one of the last Spring Breaks I will fight him to shower and brush his teeth (Summer will be fun too) he is growing up faster then I can even believe. It's like I blinked my eyes and 2 years passed, I took a nap and another 5 were gone, I took my eyes off him for one second and he started turning into a man.

He is a good kid and I love him, I am proud of who he is growing up to be and maybe when I am on my deathbed I will long for the smells of his youth, like I will long for the smells of my own.

But for now, does anyone know if I can Febreze a preteen?

Lies, Liars and Lying

Lilith lies.

Lilith lies about just about everything from what I've noticed. Lilith lies about big things, small petty things, she lies when we know the the truth or the truth is easily found out. She lies about things so she doesn't have to take responsibility for them, she lies about what she thinks people want to hear. She lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. She lies to herself and she lies so much I often wonder if she even knows she is lying anymore.

She lies to Adam constantly. It becomes difficult to know if anything in her world is ever real. I have had to come up with complex ways to find out the truth. Adam and I have a joke between ourselves "how do you know Lilith is lying? Her lips are moving" but in honesty it is hard to co-parent with someone who lies all the time.

Every single grandparent of hers has died at every single job she has ever had. She told us 4 times last year that she couldn't come get Seth because she was getting her car registered, then when she was arrested on the DUI one of the charges was expired tags. She lied to us for years about the abusive nature of her marriage to Sam. She lied about things Seth saw or heard while in her care. She lies now about her drinking.

She also white washed her and Adam's past together, which admittedly we all have a tendency to do and I don't expect her to tell Seth the true nature of her and Adam's relationship but to hear Seth talk about what his mom says, you would think that they had a wonderful relationship, still love each other deeply but just in a different way now and that Adam wanted to be with me, so they split up. I have been honest with Seth that his dad and mom were divorced before I came into the picture and that his mom was already living with someone else but I don't try to refute the rest of it. If it helps Seth to believe that his parents still love each other then fine, it doesn't change my place in this family. The truth is Adam and Lilith were very young when they met, Adam's parents were divorcing so he was in a but of a rebellious phase. Their relationship was, like all of Lilith's relationships, very volatile, they fought often, there was drinking and the such involved, there was infidelity and when Adam had enough he moved out and asked for a divorce.

Anyways. Lilith's ease at lying is a trait that I see Seth picking up and it really disturbs me. I know people lie, heck I lie, we all lie but for the most part I try to be an honest person and a real, genuine role model for Seth and Lulu. It bothers me to see and hear Seth lie like it is no big thing. I know part of it is his age, but also is watching his mother lie so easily about everything. It is a real problem for me, one without a clear answer.