Document, Document, Document

If anything I have written has resonated with you, please let me offer this little bit of advice. Document. I can't say this is something I came up with on my own, it was offered by a wise community I was a part of earlier in my life as a step parent.

If you are in a relationship with a partner with a child and there are things going on with the biological parent that make you and your partner uncomfortable documentation is going to be your biggest ally. There are both deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms out there. There are physically and emotionally abusive fathers and mothers. I am not a "bash the mom" blog, although in my situation the parent with the problems is the mom, I am aware of fathers who do these things too.

There is a spreadsheets available online for tracking visitation with areas for notations on a couple of different websites, googling "custody tracker" should help you find one. There may be other resources out there but I have found that a desk calendar (one that opens to show the month) is a good option, especially if you are able to paper clip papers on the months as they pass. Mark your visitation or custodial days or time, notate things that are said by the child or other patent, keep track of things that happen. Get and keep copies of the divorce agreement, parenting plan or custody agreement. Get copies of arrest records and police reports, get copies of reports from DCFS or social workers. Keep report cards, progress reports, emails or notes from teachers and things given at parent/teacher conferences. Keep emails and copies of texts from the other parent if they are relevant. Keep medical histories, reports from doctors and pediatricians. Take pictures of bruises with a daily newspaper in the picture or take pictures of bruising and mail them to yourself with a description of what happened and keep the envelope sealed, you can also do this with printed screenshots of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts, don't be afraid to do these things. You aren't working against the other parent, you are protecting the children. If nothing happens then you will have nothing to document.

I did not take my own advice over the years, I made excuses and didn't want to stir the pot and cause problems. When everything came to a head we didn't have all the evidence that was available to show what had happened over the years. Adam was ambivalent about documenting the trouble that was happening with Lilith, he didn't want to cause drama or invite trouble. The problem it caused us was during the DCFS investigation (who were called in by someone other then us) it essentially became our word versus Lilith's and worse it came down to Seth's word versus his moms, we didn't have the evidence to protect him.

Document, document, document.

In The Beginning

I was free and unattached when I met him. Adam was attractive, smart, funny and he came as a package deal with a young son. I have always known that one came with the other and as a young idealistic woman, I couldn't have foreseen what my life would become by those early decisions.

Adam did not have a lot of baggage. His divorce from Lilith was amicable. His heart was free and he freely gave it to me as I gave mine to him. Seth was young it was easy to fall in love with him, I can still vividly remember the night, the moments even that Seth and I bonded. It started with a simple act of scratching his back. My choice to love my boys seemed easy in comparison to the challenges brought on by step life.

I have never doubted my decisions or my place in this family but it hasn't all been easy. While Adam's divorce from Lilith was amicable, she herself has tested our patience, often causing a lot of drama and disruption. While everyone has often sincerely worked for what is best for Seth, when someone else's decisions (both positive and negative) override your decisions in your own home, it can be a challenge.

I have no hatred of Lilith, while it will often seem like I am frustrated by her choices and actions, I have no desire for her not to be a part of Seth's life. In fact it is quite the opposite, I truly believe that Seth would only flourish and thrive with loving and attentive parents and partners in his life. Whether you agree or not, I am a parent in Seth's life, he can't remember a time when I haven't been in his life. We have supported Lilith's partners and have asked that Seth respect them as he does to the rest of us. This is the truth of many modern blended families. Lilith and I are friendly, we can make small talk and sit by each other while supporting Seth in his endeavors. I have been blessed that Lilith has always been supportive of my position in his life. She does not undercut my authority or play mental games with Seth in regards to Adam and myself.

In those early days my husband had every weekend visitation, Seth is one of the most important things in Adam's life and the desire to have more time with him, along with trying to support Lilith in a difficult time, lead to us eventually change custody to 50/50 week on, week off. This has always been our ideal, of course if we were perfectly honest we would have to admit that having Seth 100% would be ok with us. But 100% is not ideal, it is selfish for a variety of reasons; we want Seth to have a happy, healthy relationship with his mom and not allowing and encouraging this would be unfair to both of them. 50/50 worked for years, although we were worried about what we saw as a possible approaching storm of Seth hitting puberty and the unfortunate truth that Lilith has never been an authoritative parent or a stable person. She has a history of making self centered choices that have caused problems for our household and caused Seth pain. All of this came to a head when another poor decision of hers forced our hand and we had no choice but to become custodial overnight. Lilith now has every weekend visitation.

I don't want to seem defensive or rant-y about Lilith but by being honest about how her decisions have affected all of us, I am hoping to find clarity and maybe help someone else who might be new in dealing with a situation like ours.