Spring Fresh Air/Break

What is it with Seth and showering on Spring Break? Every year it's a fight and since he has officially entered the status of preteen it's gotten worse this year because to say it bluntly, he stinks.

He stunk before but it was that dirt, wet dog and unbrushed teeth smell that little boys are so fond of, occasionally with the hint of dirty feet and chlorine.

This year he still has those traditional smells but has added the smell of body odor, moldy laundry and man fart to his bouquet. Basically he smells like straight up ass. His friends are showering as often as he is, so I don't think they can smell each other over the covers of sunscreen, Axe body spray, cigarette smoke (one of his friends parents and brother smoke inside their house) and fast food grease.

They are a disgusting bunch right now, none of them are allowed to sit on anything cloth inside my house. This is also one of the last Spring Breaks I will fight him to shower and brush his teeth (Summer will be fun too) he is growing up faster then I can even believe. It's like I blinked my eyes and 2 years passed, I took a nap and another 5 were gone, I took my eyes off him for one second and he started turning into a man.

He is a good kid and I love him, I am proud of who he is growing up to be and maybe when I am on my deathbed I will long for the smells of his youth, like I will long for the smells of my own.

But for now, does anyone know if I can Febreze a preteen?

Lies, Liars and Lying

Lilith lies.

Lilith lies about just about everything from what I've noticed. Lilith lies about big things, small petty things, she lies when we know the the truth or the truth is easily found out. She lies about things so she doesn't have to take responsibility for them, she lies about what she thinks people want to hear. She lies when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. She lies to herself and she lies so much I often wonder if she even knows she is lying anymore.

She lies to Adam constantly. It becomes difficult to know if anything in her world is ever real. I have had to come up with complex ways to find out the truth. Adam and I have a joke between ourselves "how do you know Lilith is lying? Her lips are moving" but in honesty it is hard to co-parent with someone who lies all the time.

Every single grandparent of hers has died at every single job she has ever had. She told us 4 times last year that she couldn't come get Seth because she was getting her car registered, then when she was arrested on the DUI one of the charges was expired tags. She lied to us for years about the abusive nature of her marriage to Sam. She lied about things Seth saw or heard while in her care. She lies now about her drinking.

She also white washed her and Adam's past together, which admittedly we all have a tendency to do and I don't expect her to tell Seth the true nature of her and Adam's relationship but to hear Seth talk about what his mom says, you would think that they had a wonderful relationship, still love each other deeply but just in a different way now and that Adam wanted to be with me, so they split up. I have been honest with Seth that his dad and mom were divorced before I came into the picture and that his mom was already living with someone else but I don't try to refute the rest of it. If it helps Seth to believe that his parents still love each other then fine, it doesn't change my place in this family. The truth is Adam and Lilith were very young when they met, Adam's parents were divorcing so he was in a but of a rebellious phase. Their relationship was, like all of Lilith's relationships, very volatile, they fought often, there was drinking and the such involved, there was infidelity and when Adam had enough he moved out and asked for a divorce.

Anyways. Lilith's ease at lying is a trait that I see Seth picking up and it really disturbs me. I know people lie, heck I lie, we all lie but for the most part I try to be an honest person and a real, genuine role model for Seth and Lulu. It bothers me to see and hear Seth lie like it is no big thing. I know part of it is his age, but also is watching his mother lie so easily about everything. It is a real problem for me, one without a clear answer.

Saying Goodbye

Funerals, memorials and goodbyes are for the living. I have had my share of having to deal with deaths in this past year. I want to take this opportunity to say goodbye and close this chapter publicly. To maintain privacy I am going to just leave this as one letter.

Friend,
You left us too soon and we are left with more questions then we will ever have answers. I am sorry that you didn't feel like you could come to me, Adam or anyone else, that you felt so alone, that you were hurting so badly that you felt like you had no other options. I wish you would have said something to me when I talked to you that last time. I would have done everything in my power to help you.

I don't know if you are even aware of the pain you left behind. I watched your mother cry at your funeral, as a new mother myself seeing those baby pictures of you, knowing the hopes, dreams and love she had for you. It was almost suffocating to bear witness to her grief. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. To see your siblings cry, to watch their pain so raw and unguarded. It felt obscene to watch but as we were all gathered together to remember you, I was a part of it. Adam came to your funeral, which should tell you how much you meant to him as a friend. I have watched Adam repress his grief about your death for months now.

To see your friends grieve, too see so many lives that you touched. You wouldn't have been able to say that no one cared. I don't know why you felt so alone and so desperate. Your choice of actions caused hurt on top of pain. You left questions that no one can ever answer, you left a scar on the collective psyche of those that loved you. While I understand that you were hurting and I don't want to seem like I don't care, you have to know that your actions were incredibly selfish. You involved and hurt innocent people while carrying out your final actions.

You left your spouse a shell of person, I watched and cried as I saw them hurt for so long until they physically gave up, became sick and finally passed because the thought of living without you caused them so much pain that they stopped fighting to live. Have you ever watched someone die from a broken heart? I have seen it two other times, both in elderly couples who passed within months of each other. To watch my young, vibrant friend go through that was incredibly painful. I tried to offer help, to find grief counselors, to be there and take care of them like you asked me too in your final message. If only I had recognized that you were saying goodbye in time.

I hope that have found the peace that you were so desperately looking for. I am sorry that you couldn't find it here on earth, I am sorry that some of us didn't even know you were hurting so badly. I hope you found your love and that you are able to find peace. I am sorry that you couldn't find anything to continue to fight and live for. It is such a different tragedy when someone is taken from us too early and when someone choses to leave us early.

You were a good friend, I think about all the time we sat together talking about life, talking about things of deepness and meaning. I think about all the times we sat and talked about nothing. The times that we laughed, the advice that was given, the quiet moments. I think about the times we watched you preform, about the talent you had and how that is all that will live on now that you are gone.

Goodbye my friends. I will miss you


If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideations there is help out there.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

If you have lived through the suicide of a loved one or friend, you aren't alone and there is help and support for you as well.

http://www.allianceofhope.org/

Local support groups by state:
http://www.suicidology.org/suicide-support-group-directory