What to Expect When Your Expecting or Not

Please excuse my cold medicine induced hysteric's and delusions. This was written before I got sick but I can't promise that I was able to check it over with my usual editorial eye.

These first few entries I have tried to get you caught up with who we are as a family, a blended family and more, even a little bit of who we are as people. I have a ways to go in our story and a few family members to introduce. I hope by now that I have managed to express that I do not hate or have negative feelings about Lilith, Adam's ex-wife and Seth's biological mother. As I am hoping to have some guest bloggers show in the next few weeks, blended families are hard even when everyone involved is focused on the best interest of the children. At the best you get the "bonus moms" situation? where everyone has a role and respects each others role The other end involves court orders, PAS, custodial kidnapping, extended family interference, expensive court battles, mud slinging, hurt feelings for adults and so much worst for the children involved and restraining orders. We are much closer to the bonus moms in the middle.

Enough rambling on to this weeks blog!


When Seth was 5 Adam and I, found out that Lilith was pregnant again. I was scared and upset.

I was scared because pregnant women are nuts. They cry, they are super uber sensitive, they have cravings they just have to give into, their emotions and feelings are all over the place to extremes. They can be laughing to crying to laughing so hard they need to pee themselves. I had been around 6 or 8 pregnant women by now, a couple of friends and family members, I wasn't just going off what I had seen on tv or movies. Imagining Lilith, who exhibits some these symptoms all the time normally, pregnant was terrifying. It would be like finding out Godzilla was pregnant with King Kong's baby or more accurately finding out Satan was worshiping Anton LeVey. It seemed like bad on top of bad to me.

Adam on the other hand wasn't as worried or distressed and reassured me, that for some reason, the only time Lilith seems completely sane and normal is while she is pregnant. During her pregnancy with Seth, Adam has shared, was the only time during their entire relationship that wasn't marked by constant fighting or constant drama.

I was upset because Adam and I had already begun to experience what we would discover would be my fertility issues. I was sad, I was frustrated that Lilith was pregnant so easily again, with Sam, someone she had known for less then a year. It felt extremely unfair in the karmic sense that Lilith was pregnant again when she wasn't always a good or attentive parent to Seth. How on earth would she have the time and attention to have two kids? I was sad because I worried I would never get to have a child who was "mine" I loved Seth with all of my heart but maybe it isn't the same or maybe I would never get to have a real family with Adam. Even though I kept telling myself that family is what you make it. I really did believe that if Seth was all my life was blessed with child-wise then I was lucky because Lilith was gracious in allowing me to be a part of Seth's life. She never played games in that area and I am forever grateful for her about that.

Adam was correct about Lilith's behavior while she is pregnant. Maybe it is because she has taken being pregnant seriously and never smoked or drank once she found out she was pregnant. Maybe it is something about the pregnancy hormones that balances something out in her brain but she was so great pregnant. She was reasonable, she didn't cross boundaries or act inappropriate in her conversations with Adam or Seth (I sometimes wonder if she has forgotten that she is taking to her ex husband and son, not her best friends when she over shares details of her life with them) Lilith was even warm and attentive to Seth. Things were really good.

Then she gave birth to Leah and within 3 months of that, things were crazy, if not crazier again.

Silent Fight

Lilith has had many relationships over the years and most of them have been wrought with drama and abuse. Drama seems at times to be what keeps Lilith going. She bounces from crises to crises, acting like what ever alarm she sounded last week just went unanswered as this weeks new drama unfolds.

Lilith has been through health scares, someone stealing her car, abusive relationships, legal trouble, moving, being evicted, family drama, changing jobs, being fired, a stalker, pregnancy, financial trouble, problems with friends, mechanical problems with her car, she has bought and gotten rid of more pets since I have known her then I could count on my fingers, and toes.

Lilith's relationships develop quickly, she falls in love quickly and throws her whole heart and self into her relationships. The problem that Adam and I have experienced with this is that Lilith has a knack for attracting some pretty whack guys. Now I really don't care who Lilith dates, it's not my business and not my heart to be broken but it sucks to watch her make the same mistakes time and time again. I want to grab her and shake her until she realizes that until she learns to be happy by herself, she will never be happy with someone else.

Adam's only concern is since Lilith's relationships move quickly, it means she introduces these guys to Seth quickly, they move in with her quickly, she encourages a relationship between these guys and Seth quickly. What happens when things go south just as quickly? Seth gets hurt, he becomes defensive of his mom, often wishing and scheming ways to cause physical harm to the guys that have hurt Lilith. It rocks Seth's world and we spend weeks trying to resume normal. We cling to schedules, routines, boundaries and rules because during these times we know how important it is for our house to be a stable safe haven for Seth.

Because of the abuse that Seth has seen Lilith experience (that Adam and I were often unaware of or not made aware of until very recently) he is very sensitive to any disagreements between Adam and myself. We actually have had to learn how to fight without any yelling, screaming, slamming or crying. We had to learn this because Seth would freak out if we expressed any anger or frustration at each other in front of him. We have worked hard to reassure Seth that people can disagree and it doesn't have to become violent or abusive but there is no erasing the things that he has seen. Just a hope that Adam and I can be a model of what a normal relationship can look like.

Now excuse me, I have to go text message Adam a stink eye because he left the toilet seat up for the millionth time.

Things I Love Thursday (TILT)

With all the drama that Lilith brings into our lives and the usual preteen drama that fills Seth's life, it is easy to get drug down by the negative. Adam and I have a normal marriage with the ups and downs but something we have always tried to do is to stay positive. I will admit Adam is often more naturally upbeat then I am, I have to work on being happy and be conscious of where my mind wanders and try not to allow it meditate on the negative, wrong or the sad.

So I am going to introduce "Things I Love Thursday" (TILT) these are just a few things this week that have made me excited no matter how small. I encourage you to share your TILT's with me in the comments, on my Facebook page or in your own blogs, just link to me so I can come share in the love.

Things I Love:
It's raining today, I love the smell of the rain and feeling the humidity on my skin. I love the cloudy grayness and a hot cup of tea in the morning. It's a perfect day to make a potato soup and sit around the table tonight and talk.

I bought $400.00 worth of birthday presents for almost everyone over the next year for $140.00. Including buying an awesome gift for Seth's sister Leah for under $15.00 that originally would have cost $45.00. I love shopping clearance sales.

I love that because of a Groupon I had a chance to share my love of yoga with friends and family. I love hearing them talking about classes and seeing their bright and smiling faces in the room with me.

I love the way Adam smells, I love catching a whiff of his cologne as he walks by or when he is holding me close. I love smelling his pillow after he has left for work in the morning or if I grab a shirt to throw on to help Seth get ready for school and it smells like Adam, it's like wearing a hug from him when he isn't around.

I discovered comedy stations on Pandora. Awesome for cleaning and yard work. Speaking of yard work, I got the front yard weeded, swept the rocks and cleaned up both my elderly neighbors front yards.

This weekend I am going to clean my carpets, which in of itself doesn't seem like something I would love but I love having clean carpets! So the work will be worth the effort. I am also cleaning all the drapes and curtains, time to chase all these dust bunnies away!

So what are the things you love?

The Facebook Fraud

If you were to visit Lilith's Facebook page two things might become apparent. One if you don't actually go looking for him you wouldn't know that she is Seth's mother. She has almost no pictures of him and rarely ever posts about him. The other would be that on the rare occasion that she does post about Seth she takes credit for all the positive activities in his life.

Now Facebook isn't a real representation of any of us. It is only what we want and allow people to see. Sometimes it is surprising the things that people will allow you to see about themselves on Facebook, I saw someone post that they pulled a broken tooth out of their mouth with a pair of needle nosed pliers, that seemed gross, since they didn't manage to get the roots of the tooth out and it also seemed like a complete over share to me but I chose to keep my oral hygiene private for the most part. I also don't post pictures of rashes, abscesses, cysts, pimples or discharge of any kind. Call me old fashioned.

I don't post pictures of myself drinking or drunk. I don't post pictures of myself that could be interpreted as distasteful or controversial. I work very hard to keep my public internet image as something I feel is authentic and something I can be proud of. I am aware that the things I post publicly (and even "privately") don't ever go away and that in theory silly, thoughtless, things I may post today could effect my future. That doesn't stop me from posting random humor and posting about things that I believe in whether political or faith based. I am just careful to think before I post but I also try to live an authentic life that I am not ashamed of people knowing.

I stopped caring a long time ago what Lilith may think about my Facebook profile. I believe that strong fences make good neighbors and because of that I have Lilith blocked from seeing my Facebook account directly. I really don't care about Lilith's Facebook profile, I don't spy on her or use it to check up on her, in fact I rarely ever have any reason to remember that Lilith has an online presence. The only reason I ever run across Lilith online is because Seth got an iPad last year. Part of the agreement allowing Seth to have an iPad was that Adam, Lilith and I would have access to his accounts, passwords and devices at any time.

When Seth is at our house I am mainly the one monitoring his Internet usage. I check his call logs and text messages on his phone, his video game accounts on his PS3, DS and the household Wii. I also I check his email account, browser history, Facebook account and other apps on his iPad and on the home computers. Seth is not allowed to be friends with people we don't know in real life on Facebook, he is friends with family members, family friends, a couple of neighbors and a handful of friends from school and sports. Mostly he uses his Facebook to play all the various "Ville" games; FarmVille, PetVille, CastleVille, CityVille, FishVille. I swear if they made "CleanYourBedroomVille" or a "DoYourHomeworkVille" or a "TakeAShowerVille" he would play those even though we fight almost daily to get him to do those things in real life.

Adam and I have been considering altering our guest WiFi password so it would change every day, so Seth can't get online until his homework and chores are completed. It has been a series of trial and error for me this weekend to attempt to set this up and I am still not sure it is going to work. While working on trying this I needed to get on Seth's iPad, amongst other devices. Seth is at Lilith's and we don't always allow him to take his iPad back and forth with him. Adam and I believe that since Seth has such limited time with Lilith currently we don't want his iPad to be a further distraction and point of contention between them.

So I have been back and forth all morning from my laptop, to the household desktop, to Adam's iPhone, to Seth's iPad, checking the Wii and the PS3, checking my phone and back down the list again. In a few minutes of frustration at things not going as easily as I wanted them too, I decided to check up on Seth's Facebook since I was already on his iPad. I hadn't looked at his account in a while, I saw that I needed to hide one of Adam's stepbrothers and one of Seth's cousins out of his newsfeed because they have been posting things Adam and I both feel are inappropriate for Seth to be seeing at his age (provocative pictures of women and their breasts, suggestive pictures of drugs and alcohol, and argumentative, politicized, glorified pictures of guns) I deleted a message Seth received from some beautiful woman in Russia who "wants to be friends" and invited Seth to check out some of her pictures on her website (I also report things like this) and I blocked the account. I scrolled through the many pictures of kittens that Seth's maternal grandmother posts, hid a few political stories, a couple of drunken pictures and then ran into a couple of posts from Lilith.

Now I would love to act like I just scrolled by and didn't care what she had written but I would be lying to you and myself if I didn't admit my curiosity was piqued. I clicked onto Lilith's page where I saw nothing of concern or even gossip. I did however see an overwhelming amount pictures of Seth's sister Leah. Pictures of Leah sleeping, Leah making goofy faces, Leah playing dress up, Leah getting ready for bed, Leah sitting on the couch, Leah at Christmas, Leah getting her haircut, Leah playing with friends. There were status updates about missing Leah, hanging out with Leah, cuddling with Leah and Leah being sick. I saw one blurry picture of Seth from a few weeks ago when Lilith had taken him ice skating.

Now maybe you are thinking that this lack of Seth's presence has to do with Adam having primary placement and Lilith only having visitation on the weekends but Lilith doesn't have primary placement of Leah either, currently Lilith has 50/50 joint custody of Leah with her ex-husband, Sam. As for The situation that caused Adam to have primary placement; that happened just a few weeks ago, until that point Lilith shared 50/50 custody of Seth with Adam.

So then I noticed Seth mentioned in her last status update, which was about Leah. Lilith's maternal grandmother asked how Seth was doing in school. Lilith replied how she keeps him involved in various athletic activities, how Seth is getting so tall and school is good.

On the surface this is all fine and mostly true. Seth is doing very well in school since the custody change, he also has an amazing teacher this year who has sparked a love of learning and writing in him. I love to get to read his stories, Seth is an amazing storyteller. Seth is getting tall, he is almost as tall as me and soon I will be wearing his hand-me downs. Seth is very, very athletic and has been involved in sports since he was young. Adam was never a "team sports" athlete but is very physically active, he has had Seth riding a bike, climbing a rope or rock and hiking a trail for as long as I can remember.

When Lilith married Sam he got Seth involved in baseball, when Seth expressed an interest in football Adam talked with Lilith before he signed him up. When Seth decided football wasn't his thing and he wanted to play basketball Adam became a coach on his team, even though he had never played more then a scrimmage with friends himself. When Sam was around he was involved in helping Seth play baseball, he coached his team a couple of times over the years, he would bring Seth to some of the practices and some of the games. Sam helped purchase some of the needed equipment or gave Seth some of his old equipment and helped pay for some of the enrollment costs. Adam has always been the main parent to make sure that Seth got to all the practices, even when Lilith and Sam signed Seth up for weekly private coaching in addition to regular weekly baseball practice and twice weekly games, without consulting Adam. Adam has always contributed financially to Seth playing sports, but more then that, Adam has always taken the time to drive Seth to practices, coaching, games, wherever Seth needed to be, Adam has always made sure he was there.

I was frustrated at Lilith's comment that she has always had Seth involved in sports because if there is one person in this whole equation that was the least involved, it was Lilith. Sure she shows up to some of the games with her "team mom" shirt on and yells and cheers for Seth but she has never driven him to a practice, she has never bought him a pair of cleats or basketball shoes, she has never paid for anything. She hasn't even once ever brought the team snack. Those things fall to those of us behind the scenes, while she claims the public glory on Facebook, when she even admits she has a son that is.

Document, Document, Document

If anything I have written has resonated with you, please let me offer this little bit of advice. Document. I can't say this is something I came up with on my own, it was offered by a wise community I was a part of earlier in my life as a step parent.

If you are in a relationship with a partner with a child and there are things going on with the biological parent that make you and your partner uncomfortable documentation is going to be your biggest ally. There are both deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms out there. There are physically and emotionally abusive fathers and mothers. I am not a "bash the mom" blog, although in my situation the parent with the problems is the mom, I am aware of fathers who do these things too.

There is a spreadsheets available online for tracking visitation with areas for notations on a couple of different websites, googling "custody tracker" should help you find one. There may be other resources out there but I have found that a desk calendar (one that opens to show the month) is a good option, especially if you are able to paper clip papers on the months as they pass. Mark your visitation or custodial days or time, notate things that are said by the child or other patent, keep track of things that happen. Get and keep copies of the divorce agreement, parenting plan or custody agreement. Get copies of arrest records and police reports, get copies of reports from DCFS or social workers. Keep report cards, progress reports, emails or notes from teachers and things given at parent/teacher conferences. Keep emails and copies of texts from the other parent if they are relevant. Keep medical histories, reports from doctors and pediatricians. Take pictures of bruises with a daily newspaper in the picture or take pictures of bruising and mail them to yourself with a description of what happened and keep the envelope sealed, you can also do this with printed screenshots of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts, don't be afraid to do these things. You aren't working against the other parent, you are protecting the children. If nothing happens then you will have nothing to document.

I did not take my own advice over the years, I made excuses and didn't want to stir the pot and cause problems. When everything came to a head we didn't have all the evidence that was available to show what had happened over the years. Adam was ambivalent about documenting the trouble that was happening with Lilith, he didn't want to cause drama or invite trouble. The problem it caused us was during the DCFS investigation (who were called in by someone other then us) it essentially became our word versus Lilith's and worse it came down to Seth's word versus his moms, we didn't have the evidence to protect him.

Document, document, document.

Wildfire

I am a firecracker. I get upset easily but I also let it go pretty easily. I get it from my dad who is the same way. I shoot off, make a big explosion and then burn out. As I am getting older I am getting better about not making as big of a scene, I guess I am turning into a sparkler.

Adam is a campfire. It takes a while to get him upset but once he is he can smolder long after the fire appears to be out. If you throw something else on those embers he might flare up but he is pretty contained.

Seth is a wildfire right now. We don't often know what sets him off and just when we think we might have his anger contained it jumps the fire line and threatens to destroy someone's house. Also his anger seems to be influenced by the direction of the wind as much as anything else. It is a constant battle right now to try to keep things under control.

The problem is that true anger is often expressed when someone feels safe enough to show it. We take things out on the people we love the most. For Seth this means that there has been an incredible amount of anger expressed in my house lately. There has been fighting, there has been pouting, he has shut down mid conversation, he has exploded all over his mom on the phone and thrown straight up hissy fits. I have wondered lately if I am going to be forced to try to pick him up and carry him to compliance like I did when he was three. I am not sure how I will accomplish that because I am not sure I could physically pick him up anymore.

Seth is angry mainly because of a series of bad choices by his mom. Just when we thought Lilith couldn't make another poor decision she surprised us all and hit another low. To speak frankly Lilith has a substance abuse problem. It was an arrest because of this problem that forced us into overnight custody.

I have sympathy for the Lilith, I know she does genuinely love Seth but as anyone who is familiar with the 12 steps knows, when someone is in the middle of their addiction they aren't making good choices, their sickness dictates everything. They are selfish, manipulating liars, who will always choose their addiction over others if not treated. Occasionally you can force someone's rock bottom through an intervention but it would be inappropriate for Adam and I to be involved in hers. That is a job for Lilith's family and friends. We hoped that some of the events of the summer would raise her awareness of her actions but unfortunately they haven't.

To protect Seth both physically and emotionally we allowed him to be with us as much as possible. Lilith would often forego her custodial time and allow him to be with us while she was out. Since legally we had/have no standing to withhold visitation we had to let Seth go with his mom, even when we worried. Emergency actions were taken but as we had no legal proof (proving that someone is an unfit parent is extremely difficult, if MTV had not been taping, Amber Portwood would probably not ever been shown to be unfit) because we lacked the legal proof that Seth was in danger or that Lilith was unfit we had no choice but to wait for something to happen and hope that when it finally did that it wouldn't be at the cost of physical harm to Seth.

The Department of Child and Family Services were even involved over the summer but because Lilith was able to pass a drug and alcohol screening no action was taken even though Seth himself expressed his concern to the social worker. It was incredibly frustrating and heart breaking. It was an unbelievably stressful summer.

After Lilith's arrest we had to take custody because she had no way to provide for his education. Educational neglect was something we weren't willing to allow Seth to suffer as well. So here we are, living everyday with a wildfire.

Eating Elephants

It seems like just yesterday that Seth was a pot-bellied toddler running around in a diaper. He still likes to run around in just his underwear but now he is almost as tall as I am, that pot belly is gone, its been replaced with a scrawny frame and his feet are bigger (and stinkier) then mine. I have been blessed with his love for a long time but he is a strong willed child. He was a difficult toddler and as we watch the preteen years approach we are seeing those old challenges reappearing. What is it about toddlers and teenagers? Learning to be their own people and testing their limits, while making their parents question their beliefs, doubt themselves as parents and always wonder if we are doing the right thing. Also there is a touch of questioning your sanity involved with being a parent. Some days the challenge seems so big that there just seems no way we will get though all this. At those moments I am reminded of the wise advice I was given a couple of years into this gig:

How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.

I have always been the authoritative/stricter parent in our household but Adam is a wonderfully consistent and an amazing parent. It takes a lot to get to him and he is a bit more lax then I am about things with Seth like; clothes matching, flossing, cleaning his bedroom and his handwriting on schoolwork. I have learned to pick my battles over the years and have only a small handful of things I would consider as my hills to die on. A wonderful thing about our marriage is that we do not have the same strengths and weaknesses, so I feel like we compliment each other nicely as partners and parents.

I have always known that I came into a package deal situation. I knew that Seth was always going to be a priority in my husband life, I knew before we were married that I would have to be on board 110% with making sure my decisions would always be in the best interest of Seth, this doesn't mean that he dictates our household or our choices but that I made the choice to become a full fledged parent to him. This was both an unconscious and conscious decision at the time. My conscious choice was to always treat Seth the same way I would any possible future children.

I am not an evil stepmother, although there are times that I imagine Seth believes that I am. I have high expectations for him, I have these because I do honestly believe he is capable of great things. I expect good behavior, I expect him to be gracious and fair, I expect him to be responsible and respectful. I harp on him to unload the dishwasher, take the trash out and other chores. We butt heads when he doesn't understand that I know that the vacuum cleaner leaves tracks on the carpet so if there are no tracks, no matter how much he defends himself, I am aware that he hasn't vacuumed.

Seth is an incredibly kind hearted person. A few weeks ago he saw a woman on the side of the freeway while he was driving with his dad, she was asking for money and they saw as her son approached her. She was not using her son to get money but she walked away to talk with him. This touched Seth so much, he asked if that kid was in school, if the kid was made fun of for being homeless and other questions that Adam was unable to answer. When they got home Seth went into his room where I had just sorted out some clothes that no longer fit him, he grabbed some sweaters and asked his dad to please keep them with him until he saw the kid again and then to give them to him so the kid wouldn't be cold.

Raising a young boy can be hard but we take it one day and one bite at time.

In The Beginning

I was free and unattached when I met him. Adam was attractive, smart, funny and he came as a package deal with a young son. I have always known that one came with the other and as a young idealistic woman, I couldn't have foreseen what my life would become by those early decisions.

Adam did not have a lot of baggage. His divorce from Lilith was amicable. His heart was free and he freely gave it to me as I gave mine to him. Seth was young it was easy to fall in love with him, I can still vividly remember the night, the moments even that Seth and I bonded. It started with a simple act of scratching his back. My choice to love my boys seemed easy in comparison to the challenges brought on by step life.

I have never doubted my decisions or my place in this family but it hasn't all been easy. While Adam's divorce from Lilith was amicable, she herself has tested our patience, often causing a lot of drama and disruption. While everyone has often sincerely worked for what is best for Seth, when someone else's decisions (both positive and negative) override your decisions in your own home, it can be a challenge.

I have no hatred of Lilith, while it will often seem like I am frustrated by her choices and actions, I have no desire for her not to be a part of Seth's life. In fact it is quite the opposite, I truly believe that Seth would only flourish and thrive with loving and attentive parents and partners in his life. Whether you agree or not, I am a parent in Seth's life, he can't remember a time when I haven't been in his life. We have supported Lilith's partners and have asked that Seth respect them as he does to the rest of us. This is the truth of many modern blended families. Lilith and I are friendly, we can make small talk and sit by each other while supporting Seth in his endeavors. I have been blessed that Lilith has always been supportive of my position in his life. She does not undercut my authority or play mental games with Seth in regards to Adam and myself.

In those early days my husband had every weekend visitation, Seth is one of the most important things in Adam's life and the desire to have more time with him, along with trying to support Lilith in a difficult time, lead to us eventually change custody to 50/50 week on, week off. This has always been our ideal, of course if we were perfectly honest we would have to admit that having Seth 100% would be ok with us. But 100% is not ideal, it is selfish for a variety of reasons; we want Seth to have a happy, healthy relationship with his mom and not allowing and encouraging this would be unfair to both of them. 50/50 worked for years, although we were worried about what we saw as a possible approaching storm of Seth hitting puberty and the unfortunate truth that Lilith has never been an authoritative parent or a stable person. She has a history of making self centered choices that have caused problems for our household and caused Seth pain. All of this came to a head when another poor decision of hers forced our hand and we had no choice but to become custodial overnight. Lilith now has every weekend visitation.

I don't want to seem defensive or rant-y about Lilith but by being honest about how her decisions have affected all of us, I am hoping to find clarity and maybe help someone else who might be new in dealing with a situation like ours.